Sep 11 2008
9.11.08 - Welcome to Junk Film
Hello fellow film lovers and critics who simply hate the trash spewing out from Hollywood’s corrupt open sores. For those of you who already know me, expect the future posts to be the same unforgiving and unapologetic views on films that you have come to love. A thank you to those of you who always sent ramped emails, love letters, and applaudingly poetic commentary on my scribbles (thank you again, Mom, you seem to be the only one).
For those of you who do not know my dawdling doodles of diction, welcome to one of the angriest film critics you will likely read. This isn’t to say that I am without my honor-givings where said honor is due, but let’s put it simply and in away to explain easiest, I have given 2 A’s for films this year. I grade on a public schooling system, since this is how I was raised. Note, the improper grammar at various locations. Unlike most reviewers, I don’t look for star appeal nor mush entertainment value. I look to see if the movie is a “good film.” And to me, “good” is not a opinion based thing. I dissect the lighting, the acting, the script, the editing, the direction, production value, and more. If I find a movie simply enjoyable and entertaining, then it will receive a low grade, just like I did in high school. The grades are as follows:
A - This is reserved for the highest of quality movies. Hence, most movies don’t come close to this feat.
B - The movie falls short of being on my top 25 for the year, but that doesn’t mean it’s trash. Something about this movie has piqued my interest, however, not everything is in place to make it great.
C - Meh, I didn’t hate myself for watching this but in the same vein I could’ve spent my time better eating cheerios on the toilet, pondering life.
D - Why the hell would this movie be green lit in the first place? A waste of my time and people who enjoy this should be drug out in the middle of the street and have to watch “Big Mama’s House” part 1 and two, back to back for the rest of their lives.
F - Why did I bother? Before I’m done slitting my own wrists I will be driving to the house of the director and promptly destroying his/her family for the unholy evils they have produced into the cinematic world.
Well I hope you enjoy what is to come because I love doing it. Much love, with Dr. Pepper & Panda Express for all!
