JUNKFILM

Good day and Happy Greatest-Holiday-On-Earth..HALLOWEEN. I will have pics from our costume party next week including my own Vlad, from the comic book, Hack/Slash. This marks the first time I am doing a comic book character since my 8th grade attempt at Lobo (from DC Comics). Since then I have been Ryoga (from Ranma 1/2), Jason (Friday the 13th), a weird hybrid of Leatherface and my own character, Ash (Evil Dead 2), Darth Vader, and more. So I am excited to see if I can pull this off.

On with the news, dammit.

In response the hugely popular “Don’t Vote” PSA where tons of famous faces graced the screen to tall you “Don’t Vote”…in order for you to go out and register to vote, a second, better crafted, funnier and Harrison Ford and Borat starring “Don’t Vote” PSA has emerged. Who has directed this 4 1/2 minute commercial? Steven Speilberg. Woot.

I love Borat in this…

Commercials, it would seem, are the new realm of short, invasive, and powerful messages for film directors. There are two commercials just released which show the true skill of the director:

1. Brett Ratner (X-Men 3, Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 3)
Title: The one commercial, and I didn’t think they could do it, that makes me NOT want to play Guitar Hero: World Tour
Formula? Throw in as many well known faces as possible and go for street cred. Kobe. Tony Hawk. Michael Phelps. and some sports celeb names A-Rod, excuse my lack of athletic knowledge. Nothing with plot or story or character development.
Did it work? Oh yeah.

2. David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Formula? Create a timeline that draws in the viewer and create a clever story telling medium in 1 minute.
Did it work? Oh yeah.

The concept of film directors doing commercials is not a new thing. It’s been around for some time…look at the BMW films, man, some of those were sick. But I this could be a fun new venture for many brilliant minds of the medium. And I think the Internet is a genius place to distribute this medium, it proves several things:

1. Many people are getting their entertainment from online.
2. Many people are getting their news and knowledge from online.
3. It’s a free or drastically cheap place to advertise and expose your art.
4. It’s a communal-type of arena. Where the theater can show to as many people who are willing to go out and buy a ticket and sit through the movie, and television can show to as many people who are too lazy to turn the channel, the Internet is a web of connections and people telling one-another to “check this out” and therefore, it’s only 1 click away.

Many films are being distributed online, check out Steal This Film 2, a wicked documentary about online media…and of course there is Michael Moore’s Slacker Uprising…and with Moore’s constant vigilance in the online game, I wonder why he hasn’t done his signature documentary about the P2P community yet.

Ah well, the future looks to be a grand place.

Saw is officially the top grossing (no pun intended) horror franchise ever. Kicking out Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street for the top position.

William Friedkin, director of The Exorcist gives his top 13 scary movie choices.

If you’re lucky enough to live in LA, and have nothing to do Halloween night, go see Edgar Wright show his film Shaun of the Dead and a special presentation of Riki Oh. Plus Edgar wil be showing a slew of old horror trailers.

A good interview with Sam Raimi about his upcoming film, Drag Me To Hell.

Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle both sign on for the Avengers movie. Now all we need is a doable Capt, Thor and Ed Norton to enlist.

Neil Gaimen is producing a film adaptation of his New York Best Seller, The Graveyard Book.

Joaquin Phoenix has officially retired from making films. I hope this is just a phase, this is one of the very few actors I really see the art of acting as an artform. He is so damn good.

The most successful movie maker in history…is dead. Gerard Damiano, director of Deep Throat, quite possibly the most well known and successful adult films ever, has died. For a tribute I recommend the film Inside Deep Throat, a great documentary about the happenings because of the film around the country.

Not so much movie news…

A nice xmas present for me…the girls at Totally Nerdcore are at it again this year with a 3rd installment to the Nerdcore calender series. The first year was video games, the next, superheroes and now they are doing Sci-Fi.

Quite possibly every nerd’s fantasy come to life. Cosplay Leia’s in Jababa Slave gear having a pillow fight.

The coolest Millennium Falcon cake…ever.

Seems that the Hollywood travesty of the adaptation of Dragon Ball isn’t as bad as every one expected it to be. Does this mean it’s good? Highly doubtful. Kotaku’s informant breaks down his cons and pros about the movie he has seen. All I’m saying is be prepared, it’s not what you think it should be.

South Park’s new episode is causing some stir with it’s Cloverfield spoof in it’s latest episode. Watch the whole episode on South Park’s website above.

The new film Children is being released in the UK December 5th, 2008. It’s another film exploiting kids to be creepy…yet talk is high about this one actually working. One source reads, “as freaky as Gage was in Pet Semetary.” This might be a watcher IMO. Unfortunately, there are no plans yet to bring this bad boy to the US. Check out the trailer here.

Seems that Miramax is pushing back their film schedule alot this winter. Their big title: Fanboys is being pushed back from November 2008 to February 6th, 2009. This is just one title moving, other movies include Push, Pink Panther 2, and the Jennifer Aniston comedy He’s Just Not That Into You.

Hugh Jackman will star opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in Stephen Soderbergh’s 3D rock musical Cleopatra.

There are several rumors circulating the internet that a 200 foot-high ride will be featured inside the halls of Hogwarts at Universal Studio’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park.

Ashley Greene, Haley Ramm and James LeGros have been cast in Anthony Burns’ 1980s-era coming-of-age drama Skateland.

Marvel is at it again to boost intrigue for their characters Hulk and Thor, getting people warmed up for Thor, I would think, in this new animated movie.

Warners Bros is working on the long-awaited live action version of Ninja Scroll.

Joss Whedon discusses on his blog about his upcoming show, Dollhouse. Spoilers, beware.

With only days left to the culmination of my favorite time of year, I decided that with these last few remaining moments, I will give you a list of movies to choose from that are some of the scariest and most Halloween-worthy. Many of these titles are not the normal type of horror films I would recommend for truly scary viewing, but I also understand that not all of you like the kind of movie that will keep you awake for a few nights or the kind of movie that makes you want to throw up from graphic violence. I do.

So this following list is a good example of a collective of various styles of scares and horrors and terrors and nightmares. Just do yourself the favor and pick something up this time of year and treat yourself.

THE SHINING (1980)

Without a doubt, Steven King’s best, and just another Stanley Kubrick masterpiece. It’s creepy as hell and unlike many horror film, has not aged one day.

THE EXORCIST (1973)

This is one of the few movies that ever made me sleep with the lights on when I was a kid. Plus, the director’s cut has the girl walking backwards down the stair case….eeehhhhh

NIGHTBREED (1990)

Innovative and creative, Clive Barker brings us another story of pure freakishness. Scary at times and friendly at others. The villian has one of the creepiest masks I have seen in a movie ever.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)

The original and still so damn good it hurts to think they would remake it. While tons of people think this was a blood bath, there was only blood in small amounts in very small scenes. Very little violence is actually in the movie, making it a great terror film.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)

Not really a horror film, more of a thriller, but still, reeeaaaally creepy and scary at points.

JAWS (1975)

The single movie that made you not want to go to the beach. Can you believe people weren’t afraid of sharks as they are now until this film was made?

THE RING (Ringu) (2000)

While the American remake is…alright…the original is spine-shivering. Low budget problems made the crew innovate and make a better script.

HALLOWEEN (1978)

Arguably the first slasher film ever made. See where all those terrible clones come from in probably the best of them all. Fun trivia, the killer, Michael wasn’t named until part 2. In the first he nwas simply called “the Shape.”

PSYCHO (1960)

Hitchcock was the master for a reason. It’s gooooood.

SE7EN (1995)

Again, like Silence, not a horror film, put the creepy factor is still pretty high. See Brad Pitt as a slowly-going psycho cop on one of the most gruesome investigations in cop-film history.

ROSEMARY’S BABY (1968)

I don’t wanna have kids….

POLTERGEIST (1982)

aka. the scariest PG film ever made. This movie is STILL scary by today’s standards…and your little sister can watch it.

28 DAYS LATER (2003)

Reinventing the zombie film to a fast, actioner survival piece. However, this is technically a zombie film in theme, there are NO zombies in the movie..they are infected.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

The first of many. The best of the series. STILL the scariest of them all.

THE THING (1982)

One of the very few remake films in history that outshines the original.

EVIL DEAD (1982)

I touched on the sequel earlier, but truth be told the original, ala part 1, is damn good on it’s own. See where it all began and see how they made a movie with no money, a lot of passion, and missing actors.

CARRIE (1976)

Pig blood? Check. Fire starting ability? Check. Psycho mother? ….everyone raise your hand.

THE OMEN (1976)

Don’t mistake that travesty of a piece of shit remake for this good, scary older film. Similar to how piss poor the remake of Wickerman was compared to the original, The Omen remake was god-fucking-awful. But this 1976 gem is one that stands the test of time and still creepy.

An AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)

One of the greatest werewolf movies aside from the Wolf Man and the Howling. Oooh, the Howling,..that was a good one too.

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986)

The reason this flick is so damn creepy is that the main character takes his killing very nonchalantly and yet methodically at the same time. He can seem like someone you know in real life, and yet you don’t ever want to know him.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

Come on…when you first saw it, you were freaked. It was scary at first. Some people thought it was real…then again..why would you think it was real if it came out to theaters? That’s dumb. I guess it was freaky because of all the ad campaigns they ran the year prior to build up an awareness of the film….yeah..that’s what was really scary….

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT AD CAMPAIGN (1999)
Before the movie was released to theaters the Blair Witch ad campaign was already in effect. They made a fake documentary about the witch on Discovery Channel, they released copies of the movie on unlabeled VHS tapes, word of mouth, books, tourist shit…..they were fucking smart. Which in turn, made the movie that much creepier because everyone said, “Hey, I remember seeing something about this…it might be real.”

SAW (2004)

While the rest of the series took a giant dump on itself, the first is still pretty well done. Just have to look past the obviously terrible last 10 minutes of so where the entire movie unravels and falls apart; everything from direction to script, acting to production design, all right down the shitter in the final act. A creepy movie for the main stream horror audience.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

While I have already discussed Night of the Living Dead in a previous post, Dawn is just as good, if not scarier… This movie is every survivalist’s wet dream. Stuck in a world full of shit you can kill…while you’re inside a mall full of stuff to survive on.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Possibly the best remake in film history aside from All Quiet on the Western Front, The Thing, and Night of the Living Dead….wait a minute, scratch that last one… Dawn remade is tight, concise, and Zak gets exactly what George was aiming at.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977)

While the remake is not terrible, there’s some grainy and gut-wrentching about the original, and I think it’s made all the more scary that we don’t find out why they are torturing this poor family.

Day of the Dead (1985)

Personally, my favorite of the original Living Dead trilogy. While Night is freaky as hell and tension building, and Dawn is the biggest zombie fantasy and scary, Day makes the best of a terrible situation: the living are now PISSED as hell at each other. And when you pit scientists vs military….yay.

Aside from Star Wars, there is one series that tops the anticipation list of upcoming trailers every so often. When the trailer is released, thousands of people download it and watch it over and over and over. And when seeing a movie in the theater you feel your legs tense and your fingers digging into the arm rests of the chair in glee when the opening music tomes and the Warner Brothers symbol graces the screen in an eerie blue, creepy dark fashion that they have come to embrace.

I speak of course about the new Harry Potter trailers. With only 2 books left to cover, and 3 movies to go until the grand finale, the next chapter to await millions of viewers in drooling anticipation is the Half Blood Prince story. The story, if you have not read it yet, is the grand ramp for the final story. Opening tons of doors, answering some questions and unraveling into many more questions to be answered later, Half Blood Prince does not disappoint as a book, let’s hope it doesn’t as a film. It has something for everyone, as the trailer so generously displays: war, drama, young love, and epic battles.

Without further dismay, here is the Harry Potter International Trailer:

(Don’t let the “Coming this year” fool you. I suspect this was made before the push back to July 2009)

I was talking to my neighbor a while back and he had just come home from watching Speed Racer in the theater.  Part of my anime-nerd side really wanted to see the movie, specially on the big screen, I kinda knew I would be losing something when it finally came to DVD.

I was drinking my cold Dr Pepper, questioning how he had liked the movie.  His face contorted for a second, almost as if he had something to say about Hitler being a less than perfect leader, and the SS were around the corner, listening and ready to drag him off for “cleaning.”  He looked as if he was straining for the right words to describe my seemingly simple inquiry.  After what seemed like a minute, he responded:

“It was…uh….colorful.”

“Colorful?”  I asked.  What the hell does colorful mean? I wondered.  He quickly ended our conversation and went back into his house, as if he felt bad for saying anything bad about the movie.  I thought I heard a faint voice,

“Rise, my friend.”

I shook it off like a badly written horror/thriller script starring Mark Wahlberg about people dying for seemingly no reason, and played it off as the wind.   Went back inside, and had another Dr Pepper.

Time rolled by, I’d say about a day or so,  and our conversation plagued my mind so I looked up online to read other people’s reviews of the film.  I found things like: “The movie was awesome, it was like a live action cartoon,” and “Speed Racer was really colorful and face paced,” and “It was…uhh…colorful.”  Now, to be honest, these weren’t the only reviews I found.  I read some pretty castrating words, which were calming after seeing “it was …..uh….colorful.”  Which brought me to think….

We are taught at a very young age that “if you have nothing nice to say…”  Everyone?

That’s right, “don’t say anything at all.”  I’m glad some of you listened to your mothers.  We are so afraid of hurting feelings, even when it comes to movies, things we PAY FOR.  I thought about all the social niceaties.

“You no longer need those.”

That same whisper on the wind…who was it?  I went next door and talked to my neighbor.  I told him about social pleasantries and how when it comes to things you pay for, things you waste time on, you have every right to bitch and complain about them.  I saw a hint of apprehension in his eyes until…

“Your feeble skills are no match for the dark side!”

He asked me if I had heard it too and I agreed.  He stirred.  Then he spoke after a short silence, “I really didn’t think it was that hot.”  That’s it, I told him.  Keep going.  Just because the trailer says it’s a cool movie doesn’t mean you have to believe it is.  He smiled, “It was not in my top 10 movies of the month.”

I comforted him by telling him, no one would care what he thought.  No one would look down on him if he thought the movie sucked.  He smiled wider, but then looked around in a panic…

“I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends here!”

We both heard it, and for the first time, we both agreed 100%.  He closed his eyes, “I enjoyed some parts but most were not at all cool.”  I high fived him and goaded him on to go further.  He opened his eyes and gritted his teeth, “I will not buy this movie on DVD when it comes out!”
“I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me Master.”

I felt the blood rise in him.  I looked him in the eye and told him to pretend like he was online, that no one would ever know it was him saying these things.  He snapped back, “I really didn’t enjoy this movie.”  More, I told him.  “I want my money back!”  More, I goaded on and on.  “I wasted 2 hours of my life that I will never get back, no matter how many good films I watch!”

“Good… your hate has made you powerful. Now fulfill your destiny…”

“IT FUCKING SUCKED OLD MAN BALLS!”  He shouted as if not having a care in the world.  I applauded and cheered him on.  “Speed Racer was so bad, my sperm has been tainted and my children will be retarded.”  I laughed and kept him going.  “I think Titanic was a much better film…”

I breathed in ready to cheer and took in what he said.  I gasped.  I held my breath.  The windy voice came again…

“Oh, no, my young Jedi. You will find that it is you who are mistaken… abou t great… many… things.”

“Whoa dude,” I told him.  “Rule #1 of criticism: We hate all movies that start with “T” and rhyme with “Itanic.” ” He smiled.  I think he understood.   I asked him if he had seen any other movies this summer, he responded that he had seen Prom Night and the Foot Fist Way. I smiled and ask, “And what did you think of them?”  He spoke, almost as if scripted, “They were ok….” He caught himself.  He looked at me and closed his mouth.  Then, after a second of realization, he sopke, “They both were terrible, terrible wastes of celluloid.”

“Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!”

He raised his fist at me and was about to strike with vengeful force.  I started to move back when I realized he thought I was the one speaking the windy vocals.  I told him to wait, to focus your inner hatred, to build it up and unleash it at movies that deserve such hatred.  He smiled and said, ” good idea.  Will Ferrel should have a new movie coming out soon.”
“Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!”

It was at this point I was wondering what the hell was going on.  I looked inside his living room window and saw a familiar movie on his TV.  It was the The Return of the Jedi playing.

I smiled, shook his hand as I welcomed him to the new, wonderful world of movie loathing.  We parted ways, but I never forgot that day.

I received a text message from my friend last night as I was driving home from work that read (paraphrasing):

“Does Suspiria ever get scary, or should I not bother and just turn it off?”

I know by continuing this post, I might lose from cred from my film critic community, but I believe it has to be said, and truth is always important rather than faking my taste for credibility sake.

I sent a text back:

“Save yourself the evening. Turn it off now.”

She promptly replied:

“Why would Edgar Wright place this film on his top 10?”

Here is where a thought hit me. By no means was the thought a new or profound one, but it has been one rattling in my dome for years now. It was a thought I had had on a variety of occasions when watching films. It was a question I first asked myself long ago, after I had been getting into horror movies and trying to find scarier and scarier titles. The deeper I dug, the more innovative films I found, of course. But at the same time, I read many people loving Dario Argento, so I quickly bought a few of his more popular titles, received them, and took an entire two evenings to watch a handful of his films. It was after watching these movies I asked myself,

“How do an entire world of horror lovers fall over themselves when discussing these films? The cinematography is really not bad (though it looks like someone went crazy with a gel kit), the characters are weakly developed and the script is at points harkoning back to old sci-fi quality of the 50’s.”

in shot… “How can people like these movies?”

As years have come and went I have come to know that different people like different films. A film I might think to be phenomenal like Kikujiro, another might look at it and say it was too long or slow. A film that I loathe like Talageda Nights, another might consider their favorite film. But I think the situation at hand runs a little deeper than personal taste. So in short, I by no means hate Suspirira. I actually kinda respect it…but I find huge flaws with it.

Film elitists will never admit, or rarely admit, that they don’t like a film dubbed by other elitists as a “good film.” Many films have been dubbed as “0good films: no matter who likes or dislikes them, like: Rashomon, Godfather, Star Wars, or Casablanca,  This is the definition of “good film”, and that is the final time I will use quotes for describing a good film.

I know it was just a thing in the 70s, but blood in 70s horror films always looks like someone went bat-shit with the neon color paint. It looks like paint.. and I don’t think a human body could sufficiently survive with paint in it’s veins. I don’t think it could work, but than again, I’m not a doctor. I could be wrong. Some could live on acrylic and live longer…but chances are anyone who actually had paint for blood probably died in the 70s…on film…..in a low budget horror movie.

I like to consider myself a learned, well read, and well versed film watcher.  But when I watched Suspirira I felt like I was missing something.  I reread some reviews online and all of them raved about the terror they felt watching the movie.  I thought back to the film… do colored gels and water in a drain really scare the shit out of an audience?  It certainly did not do it for me, but at the time I wouldn’t ever consider let anyone know that I didn’t like the “masterpiece” Argento had crafted.

Film elitists are terrified of losing credibility to their fellow elitists that sometimes they will watch a film, hate it, but since it is so respected in the community they go along with it and talk about how genius it is and those who don’t like it must not understand it.  I’m sorry, guys, I used to be one of you.  I do get it.  It was lousy photography and decent direction with some added choppy editing that only the 60s and 70s were known for.

Granted, for Italian horror, Argento is known as one of the greatest, and of the films I have seen, his style is unique, interesting and artistic, but I think that is where it ends. I wouldn’t put an Argento film on any of my top 10 lists, least of all scary films.

I guess there is no moral to this ranting, other than don’t believe the hype, that it, unless it’s coming from yours truly, here at Junk Film.

High School Musical, the new minting machine from Disney, in it’s third installment is being released this weekend with an estimated $35 million opening weekend. Any tween parents or tweens themselves already know all about the HSM brand and series so this 3rd installment should pose no new news, but alas, a $35 million opener is a grand hope.

While HSM3 opens to a grand reception, it is Halloween time and specially this year with the sheer lack of horror films being released, Saw V might open rather well. Expected is a 29M-$32M range. After the last 3, one can hope people are still interested in the series…did anyone watch part 4? How…nevermind, I don’t want a headache today.

Steven “The Budget is only $300 million, screw it, I’ll wait til we can get $400″ Speilberg has stepped out of the running for director of The Trial of the Chicago 7. Who is looking to snag the position…? The answer is quite distrubing…Ben Stiller. While Stiller has an impressive director resume for comedies, he ahsn’t been able to tackle a serious drama script yet. I guess we’re gonna see how it goes.

Samsung announced their new BD-P2500 Blu-Ray disc player will be Netflix compatible. The press release reads:
“Instantly streaming movies and TV episodes from Netflix on the BD-P2550 and BD-P2500 is done through a wired broadband connection and a Netflix Queue-based user interface. Netflix members visit the Netflix Web site to add movies and TV episodes to their individual instant Queues. Those choices will automatically be displayed on members’ TVs and available to watch instantly through the Samsung players. Once selected, movies will begin playing in as little as 30 seconds. With the players’ accompanying remote control, Netflix members will be able to browse and make selections right on the TV screen and also have the ability to read synopses and rate movies. In addition, they will have the option of fast-forwarding and rewinding the video stream.”

Ben Stiller isn’t the only bizarre candidate for directing. Looks like Seth Green has stepped up to direct the film adaptation of the comic book, The Freshmen. While Green has successfully directed stop animation on a number of times, this will be his first feature length film. I like the book, so I am excited to see how this plays out.

McG (director is Charlie’s Angels 2, mind you) has posted come thoughts about his take on the Terminator series, Salvation, on his blog. Here are some of the more important take-aways:
* Principal Photography has wrapped
* Christian Bale and Sam Worthington have been sown early cuts and “they seem pleased with where the film is headed.”
* “Our focus is on story and character, but it’s fun diving into the world of visual effects.”
* “We want the patina of the machines to be dirty and heavy and perfectly realistic - that’s why we built so much practically with Stan Winston.”
* On producing revolutionary effects like Terminator 2: “There’s one sequence in particular where we’re trying to achieve something that’s never been done before. I don’t want to talk about it because we haven’t been successful yet…”
* Terminator 2 editor Conrad Buff is cutting the film: “It feels great to have his confidence in the movie. I take his opinion very seriously, he provides a daily litmus test for what is worthy of a Terminator film.”
* About the story: “This is a story of two destinies colliding. Connor is part of a resistance comprised of the ethnicities that make up the globe. This film is so much more that just Los Angeles. It reflects the global crisis of man, all of man versus machine.”

News “Flash”. The online trailer of the Flash is fake. It is made to look like it was a sneak-away screen capture trailer. But, reluctantly, it’s not.

Slumdog Millionaire gets tagged with an R rating. WTF? A coming to age story make for tweens gets an R? When Two-Face gets his face melted and a dude gets pencil through is eye socket…gets a PG-13? Come on MPAA and ratings board, get your head out of your asses.

A new Watchmen poster has surfaced:

In The Mouth of Madness (1995)
“Lived Any Good Books Lately?”

The closest thing to an H.P. Lovecraft book I have ever seen. It’s even closer in thematic affect than adaptation of acual H.P. Lovecraft stories. IMDB quotes the plot as, “With the disappearance of hack horror writer Sutter Cane, all Hell is breaking loose…literally! Author Cane, it seems, has a knack for description that really brings his evil creepy-crawlies to life. Insurance investigator John Trent is sent to investigate Cane’s mysterious vanishing act and ends up in the sleepy little East Coast town of Hobb’s End. The fact that this town exists as a figment of Cane’s twisted imagination is only the beginning of Trent’s problems…. “

Written by Michael DeLuca (Lawnmower Man, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (you remember that uber shitty one that was so fucked up and made little to no sense), and Judge Dredd), but some how he pulls his own head out of his ass to write a truly freaky little flick. Of course he did produce Detroit Rock City, Wag The Dog, and Run Ronnie Run, so I still hold him pretty high up. And it was directed by John Carpenter, before he went to Mars.

The movie is creepy as hell. Not much, if any blood, but creeps and scares around every scene.

HELLRAISER and HELLRAISER 2 (1987 & 1988)
“Angel to some. Demons to Others. He’ll Tear Your Soul Apart.”

First off, why both part 1 and 2? The movies are true sequels, like Halloween 1 and 2, or … uh…. not many more come to mind. A true sequel is a sequel that picks up where the previous film leaves off, instead of simply referencing what happened last time we pick up where the characters went right after the previous movie. And since Hellraiser II is a true sequel, the movies can be counted as one, long, great horror film.

Written and Directed by the master of horror, Clive Barker ,and based off his off short story, “The Telltale Heart, this terrifying tale of adultery and sin, and of course metal hooks on chains ripping flesh apart, is one of the few movies that made me keep the lights on when I was a kid.

The story revolves around the obsession of a puzzle box that holds the magical properties of summoning the Cenobites from Hell to torture your body and soul for eternity. When young Kristy finds out her step mother, Julia, is still feeding blood to her butchered and deceased uncle, Frank, in the attic, all Hell breaks loose….Sorry, I couldn’t help myself with the pun.

In the sequel, we pick up with Kirsty being brought to an institution after the death of her family, where the occult-obsessive head doctor resurrects Julia and unleashes the Cenobites once again…and this time, there’s a puzzle obsessed patient who figures out the puzzle box and opens the gate to Hell…yay, we get to go to Hell. No fire and brimstone here, Barker’s Hell is full of self-demonizing terrors, memories locked away and horrors only the viewer can know.

And even though there is a following list of films in the series, 9 in total that I know of, don’t venture too far down the rabbit hole. It gets as all elongated series gets….reeeeaaaaallllly baaaaad. While Hellrasier III isn’t terrible, it’s corny and brings in the idea that they were merely making this movie to make toys. Part 4 is an interesting installment where we get to find out where, how, and why the puzzle box was made. But that’s about all it is, interesting. The further films deal less and less with the trademark Cenobites and more and more with someone who wrote a script about a cop trying to figure out a murder or a dad wanting to discover the deeper depths of a drug/media cult, sold it and the Hellraiser producers said they could add Pinhead in at the very end, make a moral out of it, and sell it as a Hellraiser film. You’ve been warned.

It isn’t like me to bitch or complain about things…cough cough….(holding up the sarcasm sign…maybe a little higher for those in the back)… and I know everyone has different tastes in film, which I have come to grips with and realized this is for the best… But when you publish a list of the 31 Best Horror Movies you had better know at least the basis of what you are talking about.

This won’t be long, just some grievances any movie fan would call out, so I figure it’s my duty.

1. Movie #31: The Ring
First off, this is a decent remake, but still it doesn’t hold up to the sheer creep-factor of the original. For the best example look at the remake when the little girl crawls out of the screen: the scene is cut together rapidly, like a music video style, between the main girl, Rachel, racing in her SUV to get to the apartment of her boyfriend…friend..husband…(I forget… really I just don’t give a shit) and the little girl Samara crawling out of the TV screen. I would suppose that the film makers thought this juxtaposition would hieghten the tension and make the feeling much more high paced… in reality it decreases the creepiness and ruins the fear factor of the scene. Plus, the fast paced editing made the end of the scene look like a trailer.

The Japanese version has the little girl crawling straight toward you, no cuttin, and you can feel yourself moving back in your seat….similarly to the Japanese vs American film, Pulse. The Japanese version is much slower, but the creepy factor goes to the original.

2. #28: The Descent

Did anyone actually watch this movie? If you did you know it’s really, really bad. I think the author was going through a video store at this point and just saw the box cover and thought, “That movie looks scary, plus it has women in it I would like to see naked.” Come to think of it, the box art for THe Descent is the exact same thing from Silence of the Lambs.

and

look at the Moth on Jodie Foster’s lips…

3. #23: The Eye

To give credit, they didn’t use the terrible remake of this Asian creeper. Buuuuut, they still didn’t do research and decided to come off looking racist instead:
“J-horror, Japan’s unique brand of scary movie, has had a fair share of successes…”

This isn’t a Japanese film. Just because they are Asian and it’s a horror movie, doesn’t make is J-Horror. Gin Gwai (2002), The Eye, is a Hong Kong film. To the Japanese and Chinese, this is like saying Australians and Swedish are the same. Do a little research before posting, all I’m saying.

4. #14: The Bride of Franenstein

I have little to no gripe with this film, I actually really like it. It’s a great look at mortality and morality all in one swift swoop of romanticism (and not the romanticism in the Valentine’s Day kinda way). But putting this on the greatest horror movies list is like putting American Beauty on the best comedy movies; sure there are funny moments but I wouldn’t list it as a comedy. Couldn’t have had Henry? Or Bucket of Blood?

5. #13: The Nightmare on Elm Street Series

I love the first Nightmare on Elm Street. I love the 3rd Nightmare on Elm Street. But the entire series? But Nightmare on Elm Street part 2? Part 5 or 6?

9 minutes of Part 2
I believe I can rest my case.

6. #11: Fraility

Who didn’t see the end coming? That’s like putting the Sixth Sense on this list of best horror movies. Fraility was a nice character film… it is not a horror movie. Fraility is to horror movies as a 5 star chef is to farming.

and wouldn’t you know it…

7. #6: The Sixth Sense

At best the 6th Sense is a thriller or a mystery. IT IS NOT A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE.

While the remaining list is pretty decent, I would have liked to have added some more titles. The movies on there seem like they are mostly over-popular hence the draw to them by the general public. To each their own. But with this, I will add another October Is For Horror Movies post tomorrow with 2 more films you should be watching to get in the mood for Halloween.