JUNKFILM

We all like to throw around the comment, “that was the worst film ever!”  We’ve all seen movies that are so bad that we walk away with a bad taste in our mouths and angry for the asshole who recommended it to you or the box cover artist who made it look so tempting in the first place.

As we all know, Hollywood is taking a dump every week and showing that dump to the masses, and the masses just love to take a huge ol’ bite of that dump sammitch every time.  Maybe it was the cool trailer you saw that made you want to see that stupendous celluloid shit-storm, or maybe it was the hype surrounding the fecal-filled fuckle of a film.  Either way, they got your money, and you are missing 2 hours of your life.  These are films known as “Crappy Movies.”  Plain and simple.  They are crap.

But how many of you out there have really seen something so bad that you think to yourself, “Did they know they were making a shit-actular cinematic dump?  Or did they honestly believe they were making something awesome?”  This is what distinguishes the difference between a crappy movie and a “best-worst film.”

In this ongoing, sparadic, when I feel like it, series, I will show to you some truly abismal films and your job is to go out and watch these films, if you so desire, and cherrish them for what they are.  Now, there is one simple rule when going into these films that seperates them from “crappy movies,” and this rule is:

You know you are walking into a bomb from the moment the first title graces your screen.  There is no hope of redemption here.  There is no “well, maybe it’ll come around and be awesome.”  There is no, “Man, I hope they never remake this because it would destroy the original integrity of the vision the director had.”  There is only the worst crap you can imagine, and how wonderful it all is.

This episode we will be discussing:

Robot Jox and Jason Goes to Hell (Friday the 13th part 9).

ROBOT JOX (1990)
Tagline: The ultimate killing machine. Part Man. Part Metal.
Director: Stuart Gordon
Written by: Stuart Gordon & Joe Halderman
Actors: Gary Graham, Paul Koslo

This movie is a trump card in the “worst movie” and if you have not seen it, consider yourself very unlucky. It’s a gem of claymation with giant robots and Southern accents. The story consists of a new type of diplomacy where in a post World War III war has been outlawed and now all differences are settled on a sport-type arena battle field where two giant robots (mechs) are pitted against each other in combat…all the the cheers of millions of fans that come to watch in high school-style bleachers.

The production value looks like studio executives joined Roger Corman and Uwe Boll to make Transformers, and the two had no idea what a transformer was except that they were big robots.

Coolest part of the movie:
Watching the giant, bus-sized chainsaw emerge from Alexander’s Robot’s crotch.

Not to mention this movie has some of the “best” dialogue ever! Lines like…

Achilles: You can live.
Alexander: Yes, if I kill you with this!
Achilles: We can both live!
Alexander: We are already dead. We are Robot Jox!

and

Alexander: I will kill you dead!

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__________________________________________________JASON GOES TO HELL (1993)
Tagline: The creator of the first returns to bring you the last.
or….Evil has finally found a home.
Director: Adam Marcus
Written by: Jay Huguely and Adam Marcus
Actors: Kane Hodder, John D LeMay, Kari Keegan

The tagline should have read, “This movie has NOTHING to do with the other ones.” The film boasts itself as the “final friday”….lies…ALL LIES!!! When watching Friday 7, we started to realize that continuity was being thrown out the window when a psychic chick could lash out at Jason with her mind…AND the over daunting fact that she was somehow related to him. And by part 8 we had given up hope of the series ever going back to normal when Jason stepped foot in Manhattan. The series, at this point, became a characterure of itself.

And finally, by this point, in part 9, the audience has kinda lost faith in a revival of their original love of the Crystal Lake classic killer. And we are not let down by this disappointment. Similar to other horror franchises at this time (Halloween, Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street) the film makers have a sudden urge to discuss how the evil came to be and what the “real” origins are…the occult for Michael, a twisted deal of fate for Pinhead, and Jason is pure evil with bounty hunters and new family members not previously known of. When the bounty hunter, Duke, confesses to Steven in the prison cell,. “Through a Voorhees was he born… through a Voorhees may he be reborn… and only by the hands of a Voorhees will he die.” This would have been good fucking knowledge 7 movies ago, asshole…and just where did he get this information from? I doubt wikipedia was abundantly available in 1993.

This movie, not to mention the next two, take a giant piss all over what was once a fun series of supernatural serial slayings. But, it would seem that the producers of the series gave a nudge to George Lucas (who years later would make the stomach turning prequels) and together they feast upon the disappointment of fanboys everywhere. I think this is some new age Hollywood delicacy.

Suffice to say, the movie is terrible, but that kind of terrible that stays with you and gives an amazing laugh or two where I am positive the film makers were trying to make you squirm or scream.

In this next clip, someone has edited together all the violence scenes into one continuous cut. The first scene, look at how many times the swat team hits Jason’s machete. You have to be seriously skilled to hit a moving blade that many times and only hit the body a couple times. Enjoy the special effects of some college kid trying to make it in the industry,

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Join me next time when I discuss the intrinsic values of GHOULIES and The TURKISH STAR WARS.