JUNKFILM

Now, let’s clear the air first and foremost… I am a HUGE Star Wars fan. And when I use the term “fan” I refer to utmost definition of “fanatical.” I have my father to thank for this obsession. And yes, it is an obsession.

Every time I walk into a Target or a Wal-mart I look to my girlfriend, whom I am with most of the time, with wide doe-eyes, she sighs (if she is in a good mood) and says, “fine.” I then race to the toy section where I push little kids out of the way in order to rifle through the Star Wars action figures hanging, tauntingly on the wall next to GI Joe and some other toy I wouldn’t buy. 9 out of 10 ten times I walk away in defeat, depressed that there isn’t a new Imperial, Sith or Bounty Hunter figurine. Once I found 3 McGuire concept Boba Fetts in a row…suffice to say, I snagged all 3.

I’ve been this way with Star Wars ever since I was a kid. I had the bed sheets, the Biker Scout-speeder bike bunker play set, a Tupperware bucket full of toys, Star Wars cereal, the Taco Bell toys for the Special Editions, 3 different versions on VHS, Laser Discs, DvDs, fan films, costumes, designer hoodies, belt buckles, bobble heads, sound tracks, sound tracks on vinyl, reprint movie posters, an Empire Strikes Back original theater poster, books, pens, replica weapons, a cheap light saber, comics, shirts, buttons, a fucking imperial tattoo on my spine, and my god….the list goes on.

I think I have installed the idea that I am a fan of the Star Wars films. Like many other fans of the movies/stories, the prequels were something of a let down. When bad acting and seriously deprived story elements are the best part of the new trilogy, you know you have a problem… however… it seems that they might have gone too far.

Now, I am highly looking forward to the live action TV show, Star Wars, since it’ll be about the bounty hunters and it will take place in between parts 3 and 4, linking the worlds together (which in my opinion, Force Unleashed did marvelously). But the animated, 3-D world of the Clone Wars has never really piqued my interest (the 2-D animated show was wicked). I don’t know if it was the animation style or the art style, but I simply was not that into the new feature film, The Clone Wars.

Beyond better judgment, I bit my lip, closed my eyes and dove into trying the film I did not want to watch. After all, it was Star Wars, even if it was crappy, it was still set in the story universe that I love. Hmm.

There’s not not much I can say about this movie that doesn’t leave me looking like an asshole. I think the best way to wrap up this festering turd is by saying: If you have kids, or even are a kid, you will have a happy youngster on your hands, full of awe and glee and loving the world you love and cherish. If you’re an adult (you know, above the age of you’re going to wish you had a giant man with barb wired boots dripping with salt and jalapeno peppers just go to town on your crotch for about an hour and forty minutes. You would walk away so much happier.

Since I am a fan, it pains me to dis the world I love so much, but ever since 1999, it’s getting too damn easy to crush my amore, character by character, scene by scene, dialogue by shitty dialogue. This movie, The Clone Wars isn’t really worth the review of going into why the story doesn’t work because it’s a fucking pilot for a TV show. It’s a fun opener to a grand story, which is only going to make more plot holes and questions unanswered since they are bringing in new names and situations that are never mentioned again, but as a stand alone film, it simply does not work.

The number one thing that hurts about this movie is the child-friendly atmosphere, much like the prequels were. While the original films were not Scarface or Taxi Driver, they were also not dumbing down the world they were creating for the adolescent audience. It feels like Lucas only wants to sell more toys, as opposed to making good stories. If there were no original films (ie, 4-6) the new character Ashoka (pronounced Ah-So-Ka) would have been a step up from Jar Jar, but since I know the world I have fallen in love with including all the dark characters like Boba Fett, Dengar, and IG88, Ashoka is a kid-friendly waste of film time. Her lines are pathetic at best with her hip new nicknames, bubbling off tripe like, “Hey Sky-guy” and the cringe-worthy “Artoo-ee.”

I feel like I could keep berating the movie until someone remakes Casablanca, but I think I have proved my point. Do not spend your money on this, wait for the live action show, make your choice, then start hating. I will never denounce my love for Star Wars, but it’s getting harder.