JUNKFILM

In a conclusion to yesterday’s anger-laced spit fire of the worst of 2008, here is the mirror-opposite (in type and tone), doppelganger if you will, with the Best of 2008.

When I sat down to really think about the best movies of 2008 I was blown away by the amount of great films that were released this year. I got to see most of them in the theater, and some were DVD rentals, while others were the gracious and loving gift that we critics get with screener copies so we don’t have to brave the crowds of troglodytes in the theater seats, laced sticky with pop and half eaten candy.

I know I might be taking the coward’s way out like Ebert did this year with his top 20 list, but I think some of these movies deserve much more respect than simply logging them into a numbered order of excellence. So without further ado, the top 10 for 2008 in no particular order.

Wall-E
I have yet to see a studio that constantly surprises and delights me nearly as much Pixar…except for Cars. After Cars, I lost a lot of respect towards Pixar. But with such a strong library, both features and shorts combined, it’s hard to hold grudges toward such a wonderful group of artists and visionaries. Wall-E is beyond this and more. Forever, Incredibles was my favorite Pixar film, it was just the perfect film, but Wall-E bumped it out to my top Pixar flight. With an outstanding script and characters to the amazing way they told half the story without uttering a word, this movie is high among my favorite films of the year. And with over 10 viewings so far, it is not getting stale yet.

Dark Knight
Well, duh. How could you not expect to see this on the best of 2008 list. Now, when it comes to movies, I could give a shit less about the box office revenue. I don’t care if a movie is a block buster. I don’t care how much it cost to make it. I care if the story is exceptional and if the characters are good or not. This movie destroyed the cliche for comic book movies being kid-grade and watered down entertainment. With probably one of the best performances of our generation and reivigorating the creepy villian, Heath Ledger made the movie what it was.

Iron Man
This was a weird movie to go into. With power houses like X-Men 1-2 and Spider-Man 1-2, Marvel had some amazing titles under it’s belt. However… they also have some real bombs stinking up the atmosphere under that same belt like crotch rot. Iron Man did, at no point, disappoint. I tried to play it off like the movie was just ok, but I was in awe at how great it was. The only disappointment was the deleted scenes on the Blu Ray… So happy they cut them out. I’m anxious and worried about the future of the Marvel movie universe.

Kung Fu Panda
Out of left field comes a winner. Wow. I was not expecting anything beyond a fun kiddy movie, and was pleasantly interrupted by a pretty decently made story. With excellent characters that completely, to the T, follow the Writer’s Journey (ala, Star Wars), the movie works on almost all levels. The idea of a sequel terrifies me though. I prefer most of my good film experiences to be singular.

Son Of Rambow
After seeing the trailer on an obscure website, I was hooked. I looked for almost the entire year of 2007 wanting to get this movie. The trailer I saw was for the festival circuit, so little did I know I had to wait much longer than a couple months. When I finally got my screener DVD after a theatrical release I was dumbfounded and not at all let down. The film is amazing on too many levels. Great characters, wonderfully crafted story, and direction on how directing should be done. This is one of the top 3 films of this year.

Planet B-Boy
I got heavy into documentaries this year. Watched some good. Watched some bad. Watched much more truly awful. And watched very few truly wonderful. Planet is one of those if not the top placement for docs. A telling look into the truly dedicated B-Boys (break dancers) of the world, following their every move and desire to win the world championships. You find yourself rooting for almost everyone. Beautifully crafted from start to finish.

Be Kind Rewind
Michel Gondry does it again. From the mind who brought us Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind comes a beautiful tale of two friends, their lives in the community they grew up in and a passion for films far beyond that of most people. Excellent acting by Mos Def (probably my favorite role of his to date) and Jack Black (not to diss, but as a supporting role Black finds his essence and perfection). A truly heart-string pulling little film.

In Bruges
Never have hearing about it, a friend brought this to movie night and I couldn’t have thanked him more for it. The movie blew me away. The script is passionate and just really, really well crafted, the acting was top notch, and direction along side of cinematography and editing meshed an awesome film from first frame to last. While the beginning starts off slow, never do we stop loving the characters.

My Name Is Bruce
While this film will probably not be on anyone elses’ top 10 of 2008, I say it with a reason. This movie knows it is 100% B movie from opening credits on. It knows what the B Movie crowd wants and loves and dishes it out tremendously well. Bruce Campbell acts, writes and directs this tour de force and leaves the audience in absolute glee, smiling from ear to ear with enjoyment.

Mongol
With a surge of biopics flooding the market the last decade or so, some with great war and epic lives to lead, why not throw in Genghis Khan? This movie was, in short of better vernacular, straight up tits. A tear-bringing look in to the life of one of the greatest conquerors this world has ever known. A wicked film that will surely delight, add wonderment, and spur more biopics to come.

Honorable Mentions:
Pineapple Express, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, 21, Tropic Thunder (not to be confused with Tropical Thunder ), The Counterfeiters, Frost/Nixon, Red Cliff.

Movies I didn’t get to see yet (but willing to bet they would be on the top 10 list):
Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire, Time Crimes, Milk, Australia, Doubt, JCVD, Let the Right One In, RockNRolla.

Since every asshole and his brother’s sister is posting their own Best of 2008, I decided to throw my hat into the ring and try my own “best of.” Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the best movies because they aren’t playing at local theaters so I had to make due with the movies I saw. I will be making a note of the films I really wanted to see and think would be on my list if I had seen them at the bottom.

Now, instead of starting this off on Dec 30th with the best of, why not give you what you are here for anyway, my anger-laced shit-fit rants. Today we will be discussing the worst movies I have seen in the year 2008. Tomorrow will be the best of 2008. Cowboy up!

In no particular order (since I think they fucking sucked so bad they don’t deserve the decency of being labeling in an order.):

Incredible Hulk
Maybe it was because I saw Iron Man first.  Maybe it was because it was total void of any recognizable plot.  Maybe it was because it was simply a terrible fucking movie.  But something about this shit-tacular scene of ….uh…..shit that made me loathe not only the film, but the character even more.  The only thing saving this mound of meaninglessness is the fact of 3 things: 1, Edward Norton, 2, Tim Roth, 3, The CGI effects were much better than Ang Lee’s travesty cartoony look.  And yes, I am sure that every fanboy in the place wet them selves with ejaculate and urine when the words “HULK SMASH” were uttered, but everyone else shook their heads silently and asked for their money back.

The Love Guru
I didn’t want to watch this movie. I didn’t want to enjoy any part of it. One of those was true, and other reason is why it’s on this list. The movie is not funny by any stretch of the imagination. I felt dirty for just having the movie playing in front of me. It’s kinda like walking in on your parents doing it, you think for a second, “Wow, so that’s….DEAR CHRIST!”

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Whew. Didn’t want to watch this one either. But I was swindled into viewing this catastrophe. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, Adam Sandler should be doing more movies like Punch Drunk Love. That is his best film, period. Zohan lacked what every food I eat has….taste. Zohan lacked what Eddie Murphy used to have in the 1980s…humor. Zohan lacked what Water World had…a sinking set in the ocean. I don’t see why people bother making tripe like this. Oh yeah, because people are dumb and don’t want their money.

Leatherheads
What might have been a decent movie falls on it’s face like a child with a huge head. All wobbly and disoriented, stumbling down the street while people hide their smiles in shame and laugh aloud when the child finally trips and slams his delicate, soft skull into the hard, course concrete. While the blood oozes out of the child, the nation’s respect for George Clooney dwindles into nothingness.

Speed Racer
AHHHHH! Colors! YAY! Wheeeeeee! Colors! Annoying Editing! Wheeeeee! Over used shot designs! YAY! Wheeeeee! Colors!

Jumper
I imagine the pitch went something like this:
“Ok, everyone loves comic book movies, right? And…uh… science fiction based in an after school style sitcom world like Gilmore Girls. We give the main guy…”
“Who are we going to get to act?”
“What about Webster?”
“No no, I like Darth Vader, can we get James Earl Jones?”
“We might be able to get Hayden Christiansen, since he bombed in the prequels and no one wants him to ruin their films.”
“Sounds good, go on.”
“Ok, our main guy… uh …. Christiansen can jump through space and reappear anywhere he wants…”
Cool, Porky’s 5, let’s do it!”

Hancock
WHAT THE FUCK WERE PEOPLE THINKING??? Not so much the movie team that made the travesty, but the people who sponsored the atrocity by buying tickets and going to see the movie in the first place. Will Smith is just going further and further down hill in my eyes. 6 Degrees of Separation was amazing! EVERY. MOVIE. SINCE. HAS. SUCKED. Pursuit wasn’t that bad, and the first half of Legend wasn’t complete shit, but Hancock? Good god. And truth be told, it wasn’t Smith’s fault for this bomb. There were too many fingers in this pie. Too many different ideas going on at once. If it was a movie about a reluctant super hero, it might have been ok. If it was a movie about e PR guy transforming a bad super hero, it might have been ok. But it was all this and more… damning itself to Junk Film’s worst of 2008.

Wanted
AAAHHHH!!!! How the fuck did people stomach this filth? Oh, what’s that? People still haven’t read the original book this was slightly based on? How can that be? It’s one of the best graphic novels I have ever read. I putt his baby up on the list with Watchmen and Box Office Poison. The movie follows the first couple minutes of the book’s story then completely forgets what it was talking about like an ADD ridden clown juggling kittens wearing chainsaws… or like Robin Williams. I bet if you haven’t read the book, Wanted seemed like a “neat-o” movie. That’s ok, just do us all a favor… go to any local elementary school during lunch time, go around to each kid and show them your pretty, little puppy with a bow on it’s head, have them all pet him, stand in front of the entire school, lift him high above your head, they will all clap happily, then proceed to shoot yourself in your face with a hollow point .45. Maybe, if you’re lucky, the dog will lick you before peeing on you.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Who the hell thought swinging on a vine like Tarzan was a good idea? And…what’s this? When did Indiana Jones become sci-fi? Oh Ney, ney! It has become apparent that George “I invented air” Lucas finds some perverse jubilation in creating wondrous, beautiful worlds and stories to accompany those worlds, and just when those stories and worlds and characters are most loved he squats over them and last night’s Taco Bell comes a thundering out like a chocolate shot gun! On a side note, this movie was so bad it invented a new terminology for bad movie making: when talking about a tv show that has gone too far the term “jumping the shark” is used, when now refering to a movie that has done the same, “nuking the fridge” is used in reference to the scene where Indiana saves himself from a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator. Whew. That was a close call.

Rambo
There are some things that need to fade away. The Predator series (they were awesome…the first two). Your grandma’s cooking (look, Grandma, no one likes purple cabbage). Lame 80s film series (Stallone, we’re talking to you here, buddy). Ironically, a movie about the first Rambo made it in to the Best Of list. Ah sweet irony, how I love thee. Stallone just can’t understand that making a 4th or 6th in a dead series is a “not so good” idea. Rambo, Rocky, let it die. Funny side note: Stallone was so worried about the piracy issue with his film that he had armed security escort the film reels and data transfers while in post production. Obviously, someone on the staff thought this was overkill and made a straight from the computer copy of the movie and distributed it online for free. Ah, sweet irony, you be my bitch after all.

Hamlet 2
Man, I was so looking forward to this one. The trailer was great. The cast list was great. The writing staff was great. Too bad no one informed any of them about how great they were because this movie stank of Waiting For Guffman from scene 1 to Act 3. Waiting For Guffman, if you haven’t seen it, is probably one of my favorite comedies ever. It’s witty, it’s spunky, and it’s funny as hell. Hamlet 2 tries, repeatedly, to become this incarnation of Christopher Guest’s legacy. It fails…miserably. I hated myself for watching this. Like hated-hated. Not just upset and loathing, but seriously pissed and wouldn’t talk to myself for a few days after the viewing kinda pissed.

OK, OK, OK. So it was the 11 Worst films of the year. I fucking hated Wanted. Gets my blood boiling.

Honorable mentions:
Max Payne
Punisher: War Zone
Deathrace (where was Roger Corman when you needed him most?)
What Happens in Vegas (refused to watch it)
Choke (refused to watch it based on the snippets online that were so poorly made it actually made Chuck Palahniuk look bad…how is that possible?)
and Wanted (again…can’t stress it enough)

Join us tomorrow for the Best Of 2008! See ya!

In original notes for things to write about in this blog, I found the 12 movies of Christmas (or Xmas, if you want to write it correctly). I had penned out movies I like to watch for Xmas, including: Silent Night, Deadly Night and Bad Santa. I wrote down all the reasons why I think you should watch these movies and why they mean what they do to me… But then I got to thinking: Every other fucking asshole is going to be writing every fucking asshole movie they can think of too… and I am not going to be another “12 Days of Xmas Movies” asshole. I’ll do that for the best and worst of 2008 next week.

I threw out my notes and decided what one movie/films/specials/tv episodes, what one title truly defines Xmas to Junk. I thought long and hard. I thought back to childhood and what mattered most, and BOOM, it hit me. Not the National Lampoon’s Xmas. Not Miracle on 34th. Not even It’s a Wonderful Life. The one movie that made Xmas for me was The He-Man Christmas Special.

I went on a mad goosehunt for a DVD, and alas, I could not find one in time. I ended up finding another kind of copy and enjoyed it thoroughly and decided every one needed to as well. I found it along other shitty 80s cartoons on YouTube, in 5 easy to watch parts.

The movie is just as you might not remember it to be: cheesy and hollow of skill, but still it rings true in the hearts of nostalgia. Hey, at least it’s not Glow Worms Christmas Special.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Or simply follow the links: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and finally Part 5.

Enjoy! And Merry Xmas, my Film Elitists!

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And a little XMas gift. A fan-made trailer, all done, frame by fucking frame in photoshop… I can’t even tell you what it is, you just have to watch. The trailer was made over the course of a year and a half and it shows.

In an ongoing look into the elitism of cinema, I present to you the rules I have discovered from numerous sittings of numerous movies.  These are by no means the complete list of rules, but rather a minor list to begin your journey to the dark side of film criticism.  I will be adding more to this list when I can remember to write them down during my diatribes and tirades thrown at my television and local theater screens.

 The Bruckheimer - Brett - Bay Rule

This is done best with 1-2 fellow film elitist.s  When a film comes on the screen, during the title sequence, usually before the movie title appears, “A Such and Such Production” will appear, often blanketing the oncoming onslaught of either good or bad cinema, depending on the name.  When the names “Jerry Bruckheimer” or “Michael Bay”or “Brett Ratner” grace themselves on the screen one elitist will start the rant, and it goes like this:

Elitist 1: “Is Harvey still smoking those cigars?”

Elitist 2: ” Fish for dinner, last night?”

Elitist 3 (or back to 1): “Christ, did a cow shit in here?”

This banter is from the 70s iconic masterpiece, “Kentucky Fried Movie.”  The final line, “Cow Shit,” can also be done alone if you are the only elitist in your group.

An alternative version to this to the play the sniffing game, but this game is for the advanced elitist.  The game begins BEFORE the name appears on the screen, so some research and foreknowledge is crucial.  Before the titles appear, sniff the air as if someone left rancid, hot garbage in the area you are sitting.  With disgust you utter the words, “God lord, what is that smell?”  You keep sniffing, saying, “Smells like…smells like…” And if you have timed your rant correctly, the name of the producer will appear on the screen, and your point has gotten across.

A note:  This technique is not solely kept and used for the 3 Bs, but rather anyone who you deem unworthy of making cinema.

The Kurosawa Clause

Those Star Wars fans can go and eat themselves.  Those pesky western fans can go bite a bullet.  And all those annoying modern day kid movie freaks can fuck a walrus.  The Kurosawa Clause is an age-old testament and probably one of your finest tools in any film argument.

Kurosawa is by far and beyond one of the world’s greatest film directors.  Ever.  His films have not only inspired remakes and generations following to rethink their art, but also Kurosawa helped create film, the way we see it today.

Star Wars can be argued as a remake of Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress, most notably with the Death Star scenes and the characters C3P0 and R2-D2.  Yojimbo, Kurosawa’s classic comedy, was remade into Last Man Standing and Fist Full of Dollars (and for those familiar to comic books, the Marvel Max series “Cage”).  And Roshomon turned into The Outrage and Hoodwinked.

Kurosawa pretty much invented slow motion for dramatic effect.  He invented the idea of multiple flash backs from different sources in film story telling.  The Kurosawa Clause can be used to stiffle, alter, improve or hinder any argument you may be having with another film snob:

Film Snob 1: “George Lucas invented the transition wipe in Star Wars for dramatic story telling.”

Film Snob 2: “Ah, but Kurosawa used the transition wipe for story telling far before.”

Film Snob 3: “Well, Clint Eastwood was the pioneer of the anti hero who is a complete bad ass.”

Film Snob 2: “It would seem that you are mistaken… Toshiro Mifune was the original badass, who played the anti-hero in both Yojimbo and Sanjuro… And if I wanted to be a dick I could mention the Zatoichi meets Yojimbo crossover.  But I won’t.”

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Good luck using these tricks of the trade.  Join us next time for more “So you wanna be a film snob?”

Uwe Boll is known for a great many things. Being an artistic director is not one of them. Perhaps Autistic, but not artistic. A couple years ago one could venture over to www.UweBoll.com and read quite possibly the best thing anyone could say to Boll… The page was completely white, no images, no borders, no text except for at the very top left of the screen in normal font, a singular sentence, pleading more than hoping: “Please stop making movies.”

A couple years ago, Boll got pissed at all the negative reviews he was getting from his amazingly fresh films. Don’t get my words mixed up here, poop still smells fresh, just not FaBreeze “fresh.” He challenged the head editor from Ain’t It Cool News to a boxing match to prove who was right. Right about what? That someone has an opinion about your trashy films? That everyone besides people who really enjoy trashy films thinks he is the new Ed Wood, only not cleverly and blissfully terrible; instead of just being terrible. Needless to say, the bloggers were not big sports fans.

Word to the wise… when you hear someone say (paraphrasing here, people) “If you don’t like my art, I’m gonna beat you up. And if I can beat you up, I’m the better person. And if I’m the better person, that means I’m right.” This is that high school bully-asshole mentality that got the artsy kids shoved into lockers. But yeah, yeah…totally, Uwe… You must be right. You know, instead of fighting back by trying to make a good film, just knock out the guy who thinks you’re not that good. Totally makes sense.

“Dear, Uwe, you just beat up a kid whose job it is to criticize and write on a computer. How would you like it if I came to your job and made better art than you? You wouldn’t, would you? I didn’t think so. Wanna go get some Orange Julius?
-Junk”

If you have ever seen any of this films, you will know schlock film making at a glance. And I firmly believe if all you watch is good films, you will never know what terrible film is, and vice versa. A film addict needs a steady diet of both area of the spectrum when it comes to films. Uwe is known for making movie adaptations of video games. Some real tripe has come forth from this man… Here are a list of films you should never watch:
Zombie Massacre (2010) (in production)
Sabotage 1943 (2009) (in production)
The Throwaways (2010) (pre-production) (attached)
Silent Night in Algona (2009) (pre-production) (attached)
The Science of Cool (2009) (pre-production) (attached)
The Storm (2009) (filming)
Stoic (2009)
Far Cry (2008)
Tunnel Rats (2008)
… aka 1968 Tunnel Rats (USA: new title)
BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007) (V)
… aka Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (Germany: DVD title)
Postal (2007)
… aka Postal: Der Film (Germany)
… aka Postal: The Movie (USA: alternative transliteration)
Seed (2007)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
… aka Schwerter des Königs - Dungeon Siege (Germany)
BloodRayne (2005)
Alone in the Dark (2005)
House of the Dead (2003)
… aka House of the Dead (USA: recut version)
… aka House of the dead: Le jeu ne fait que commencer (Canada: French title)
Heart of America (2002)
… aka Home Room (Australia)
Blackwoods (2002)
Sanctimony (2000) (TV)
Das Erste Semester (1997)
… aka The First Semester (International: English title)
Amoklauf (1994)
Barschel - Mord in Genf? (1993)
German Fried Movie (1991) (V)

But in all greatness, an amateur film maker has made a little something something called “uwe Boll’s Contra.” The video is perfectly an example of Uwe’s schlock style…perfectly.

If you are unfamiliar with the show, do yourself the grandious favor and go out, today, now, and buy the first season on DVD of Flight of the Conchords. This is one of the best shows I have ever seen. The dry humor, the comic timing, and the music are all outstanding.

This is one of the very few HBO shows I will back… I have always seen Showtime as the dominant one for shows with Dead Like Me being the fore runner. But Flight is a generous example of down-played humor with excellent writing and characters. The story evolves around two musicians trying to make it and turning out to only have one fan. Their songs are catchy, clever and most importantly… fucking good. I bought the CD because I was tired of rewinding and fast forwarding to the songs in the episodes to play at home.

Above, enjoy the premiere of season 2 episode 1.

Why “part 1?”  I believe this is a topic that deserves to be discussed at depth, but this article will be more along the lines of what is going to be coming out, rather than a discussion about the film world of video game adaptations…which I will do next time in part 2.

Here are some films that will be coming out shortly…and most are rather cringe-worthy:

Mortal Kombat (2010) – The screenplay is being written by Sean Catherine Derek (animated shows like Spider-Man, Batman, and The Smurfs).  There is a rumor  that Christopher Lambert will play as Raiden again although no one has been cast yet.  The film is currently in pre-production.

Spy Hunter (2009) – While one of my favorite childhood games, I can’t see how a bird’s eye view of a car dodging oil slicks and shooting other cars is gonna be entertaining for an hour and a half. This was announced with director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, Alien vs. Predator) attached to direct. There have been a cocaphony of writers attached to the film, including: Stuart Beattie (Australia, 30 Days of Night, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End). No casting has been announced but the film is in pre-production.

Tekken (2009) - The movie is currently in post-production. Directed by Dwight H Little (Prison Break, Bones, 24) and written by a few people including Michael Colleary (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Faceoff), this movie will surely be a ginormous piece of shit. The cast is made of mostly unknowns, save Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Heroes, Pearl Harbor) as Heihachi. The window for release may be next summer. Until then, pray it gets shelved.

Driver (2010) – The Atari game made flesh (or celluloid as the case may be), is currently on hold, and we couldn’t thank the studio enough. The film was to be written and directed by Roger Avary who wrote and directed Killing Zoe, wrote Beowulf, Silent Hill and helped out Quentin Tarantino on Reservoir Dogs, True Romance and Pulp Fiction. Sooooo… what you’re telling me is there miiiiiight be hope. Then again, “helped out on” might mean he was a caterer. And who doesn’t want their actions films full of Pigs in a Blanket? That’s best left for porn.

Splinter Cell (2010) – Setting the record straight…I fucking loved Splinter Cell Chaos Theory. A movie might be entertaining, but nothing special… According to Wikipedia, Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights) was attached to direct and J.T. Petty, who wrote the Splinter Cell games, was attached to write, but neither are attached to the film now. Paramount has the rights but nothing is moving forward.

Fear Effect (2008) – Based on the game from Eidos, Uwe Boll (your hero and mine) was originally attached to direct but now it’s Stanley Tong (Rumble i the Bronx, Police Story 3, and The Myth), who is no stranger to action, albeit bad action. Written by Mark A. Altman (House of the Dead movies…..shiver). IMDB claims the movie is in production but alas, there is no cast list. Says to drop 2009.

Halo (2009) – Alex Garland (28 Days Later) wrote a script, it was rewritten by author D.B. Weiss and Josh Olson (A History of Violence). The film is supposed to be executive produced by Peter Jackson with Neill Blomkamp, a short film director, to direct. Blomkamp said the film is dead, Jackson said it’s going to happen.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) – This is currently in production with Jake Gyllenhaal as the whiney prince, not so much the character as the actor. The film is being directed by Mike Newell (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) and written by Jordan Mechner (the original writer of the games). This is already set for release probably summer 2010.

Castlevania (2009) – The plot has been rumored and rumored about being the origin of the hatred between the Belmont crew and Dracula. It’s apparently in pre-production with Sylvain White (Stomp the Yard) as director and Paul W.S. Anderson as the writer. There’s no cast.  And it probably won’t drop in 2009…. and who really wants Simon or Alucard “bringing it and stomping da yard”???

Cold Fear (2008) – Based on the 2005 UbiSoft game, the most that was ever said about this movie is that the rights were acquired by Avatar Films and Sekretagent Productions. No word on a director, writer, cast or even if the movie is still being made.  Seeing as how there is 2 weeks left of the 2008 year, I am doubting this one will turn heads at the last moment on Xmas day theater release.

Warcraft (2009)/World of Warcraft (2011) – There are supposedly two films based on your favorite orcs and undead in the Warcraft universe. The first is simply called Warcraft with a screenplay written by Chris Metzen (scribe of Warcraft (gasp! who’d a thunk?), Diablo and Starcraft. No casting or director has been announced. There is another film in the IMDB database called World of Warcraft, but there’s no information available on that one.  And the WoW one is the film that has been stirring the most rumors.  Let’s hope they get smart and don’t do live action… the animated CG intros from the games are beautiful and if a whole film canb be like that….oooooooo, sign me up for the midnight showing.

Metal Gear Solid (2009) – The Metal Gear Solid movie is being directed by Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium and Ultraviolet). The screenplay will apparently be written by Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima, which he sort of confirmed at the 2008 Spike TV Video Games Awards.  This might not be all that bad, it seems.

Clock Tower (2009) – This film was announced awhile back, based on the popular survival horror game from Capcom. Martin Weisz (The Hills Have Eyes II, 60 Seconds) is slated to direct while Brittany Snow (The Pacifier, Prom Night) is set to star. The film will include elements from all four games but have its own story.  The nemesis in this game seriesis one of the creepiest by far….  Might be a schlock film, but if they get the Scissor Man right, it’ll be cool for that instant he appears.

The Suffering (2009) – This film was announced back in 2005 when the second video game from Midway Games hit store shelves. Three years later, there isn’t a screenplay or director attached. So far, all they have is Chiwetel Ejiofor (American Gangster, Inside Man) cast as the main character, Torque.  Meh….

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009) - This one actually has a fucking date!  February 27, 2009. It’s directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak (Doom, Cradle 2 the Grave, Romeo Must Die) and stars Kristen Kreuk (Lana Lang on Smallville) as Chun Li. If you haven’t heard of this bad boy, you have been living under a rock.  Not many other characters from the fighter series will be cameoing in the film since this is what the director has strictly fobode.

Onimusha (2009) – Last news about this chunk of faux historical mastery by Capcom, the film has been put on hold…indefinitely. Christophe Gans (Silent Hill, Brotherhood of the Wolf) was attached to direct but everything was put on hold because of Heath Ledger’s death.

Kane & Lynch (2009) – The game was recycled fucking junk, and not the good kinda Junk you have come to love, but apparently Hollywood liked the story. Last we heard is Simon Crane (an assistant director on Hancock, Troy) is attached to direct and Bruce Willis was actually in negotiations to play the part as Kane. No other casting info was available. And if Crane worked on those monumental piles of fecal composite, you can bet this travesty is just waiting to happen.

Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars (2010) – Game creator Charles Cecil is trying to bring the Broken Sword series to the silver screen. There are four games and he’s hoping for four films, starting with the first game, The Shadow of the Templars, you instead of starting with the game that hasn’t been made yet. No casting or director has been announced. This one is doubtful.

King of Fighters (2010) – Gordon Chan, who is known for a slew of Hong Kong action films, is directing the film and will star Maggie Q, Sean Faris, Will Yun Lee and Ray Park. The film is currently in production in Canada. The film elitist in me sees this a tripe, but the fighter game nerd in me wants to watch it when no one else is there so I can smile, gleefully.

Joust (2010) – Just when you thought the 80s were finally fucking over… Here comes Joust. Yay. 2 hours of chicken jousting. No director or any casting announcements yet but apparently it’s supposed to be a mix of Gladiator and Mad Max but futuristic….with chickens…..jousting. Midway Games is hoping to restart the game franchise when the movie comes out…..with chicken….jousting.

The Legend of Spyro (2009) – I almost shat myself thinking this was coming out live action…thank god, it’s not. The movie will be an animated film with Elijah Wood reprising his role as Spyro and Gary Oldman as Ignitus. This might be a straight to DVD.

Sabotage 1943 (2009) – Uwe Boll is fucking up once again in every franchise he can buy . Also known as Velvet Assassin, the game is based on a British spy during the time of World War II. And if you’re wondering why you haven’t heard of this game, it’s because it doesn’t even come out until next year. Way to go Uwe, picking up game titles that we don’t know so we can’t complain how bad of a translation it was.

Resident Evil 4 (2010) – In October, Paul W.S. Anderson, writer and producer of the Resident Evil films, said that he will begin working on the fourth Resident Evil film after he’s finished working on the remake film Long Good Friday. Milla Jovovich will more than likely come back. The movie probably has nothing to do with the excellent game. So expect another Apocalypse.

Bioshock (2010) – Scheduled for the summer of 2010. The film will be directed by Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean, The Ring) and written by John Logan (Gladiator, The Aviator) of course with help from game creator Ken Levine. I hope they make reference to System Shock, the Bio Shock part 1 game that in my opinion, was better.

Earthworm Jim (2010) – Creator Douglas TenNapel is looking to bring one of Nintendo’s most iconic super hero invertibre to the big screen. TenNapel is directing and most likely writing the film and since his direction experience is in animation. There was a short lived tv series of Earthworm Jim, I wonder if this will be animated as well.

God of War (2010) – Brett Ratner (destoryer of films, asshole to the industry (ie, Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3)) directing the upcoming God of War film. No other casting news has been announced. I hope Eddie Murphy isn’t Kratos.

Gears of War (2010) – Creator Cliff Bleszinski is executive producing with Len Wiseman (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard) attached to direct and Chris Morgan (Wanted, Cellular) penning the script (FUCK~!) Bleszinki guarantees that he will make “a video game movie that doesn’t suck.” Yeahhhhh, we’ll see that. After Wanted and Die Hard 4, I doubt anything these guys do will be anything more than ball suck-tacular.

Area 51 (2011) – Back in 2004, Paramount Pictures said they were making this video game into a movie. They hired a screenwriter to adapt, Grant Morrison who is an accomplished comic book author, but the film is still in “development.” AKA…. You ain’t gonna see this movie unless Area 51 becomes a huge hit on PS4.

It must have been about 10 years ago, I was trolling some movie forum site, looking for gossip on the upcoming Star Wars Episode I when I noticed the term “spoiler ahead” staring at me. Taunting me. I look ahead, there was nothing bu the white background of the forum. I decided to try something and high-lighted the area, and sure enough, it worked. The poster had typed the next “spoiler” section in white to blend in.

The spoiler was born for me.

Years passed and I did a review for a booming critic website where I wrote 2 reviews of The Passion of the Christ: 1 as a subtle, hinting review, never once mentioning Jesus being tortured or dying, and the other as one giant spoiler. How could you not know what you were getting into this that film?

Since then, many spoilers have become tripe for me. The Village was spoiled by bad script writing, the Charlie’s Angels sequel was spoiled by bad trailer editing, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was spoiled to a crowd of people at a midnight release by some asshole kids driving by telling them what page Dumbledore dies on.

There is a shirt available that I LOVE! Hit the link to check it out. Spoilers have become fun and still coveted by the film going crowd. Some plug their ears and hum until you have finished talking, some quickly navigate away from a page that has a roll over spoiler content, while others revel in the idea that they are ruining someone’s movie-going experience. Personally, I don’t like my stories spoiled for me, but sometimes you have to know what you’re getting into. Remember when you first found out Vader was Luke’s father? Did you hear about it first or was it an amazing experience when you witnessed the Bespin cut-off hand scene?

But I digress from my original intent of this post.

Recently, in Los Angeles a group or singular person is running around and spraying graffiti on the Marley and Me advertising: banners, posters, what have you. What are they spray painting? They are tagging the spoiler for the ending of the film.

Just trying to do my good deed for the day by showing the censored version.

Uncensored 1
Uncensored 2
Uncensored 3

I had to laugh. And like /film said, I’d be pissed if someone spoiled Empire Strikes Back or Seven Samurai for me, but something about a crappy, campy, holiday family shit film makes it so much more delightful.
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Ever since the X-Men exploded on the scene in film form, they have taken the world by force. Brian Singer has breathed life into one of the most famous comic book franchises in Marvel’s history. Also, a franchise that could have gotten totally fucked up royally if any asshole other than Singer had taken a stab. Thank god there was never an X-Men 3. God, that would have been awful.

The shining force of the X-Men films is without a doubt Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. Wolverine was a tough character to crack since the character is so deep, but he did it flawlessly.

And continuing in full Marvel fashion, there are sequels and spin offs… The X-Men lineage is no exception. The X-Men Origins are a series of films describing the …here’s a spoiler incase the FUCKING title didn’t give it away…describing the origins (”GASP!”) of key characters in the storyline. With Magneto in development, Wolverine is finished and ready to shine for all the fan boys.

Why fan boys? The movie has a cacophony of cameos, including Gambit and Junk Film’s favorite comic book super hero, DEAD POOL!!!!!

Check out the trailer and let us know what you think.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE HD

 Ok, I had originally planned a very intensive, anger-filled, livid post about how much I hate Sony products, namely my BDP-S300…. but since I wrote this post (the original one) I worked the problem out by myself.  After half an hour on tech support, trolling support forums and even delving as deep as mI could into the Sony website, my BDP-S300 (Blu Ray Player) would not read some new discs that were bought (ie, Iron Man, Kung Fu Panda, and Transformers) after we updated the firmware to the new 4.30 release.  The original post that has been deleted was a call to arms against Sony…until I figured something out..

Something no site has mentioned that I could find.  Anyone out there have a ripped up PS2 that you use to play back ups of PS2 games?  If you do (or even if you don’t you’re about to find out) then you will know that you can  not simply just pop in a back up and have it play without problems unless you begin the whole ceremony of the swap magic-ness with a disc with a high TOC count (big Table of Contents, best if used with a big game like FFX).

So I thought about this TOC idea.  I put in a standard DVD (Veronica Mars to be exact)….played it a little bit past the menus…popped it out….popped in Blu Kung Fu…it played fine.  Woot for TCO discs.  If you’re having trouble with your Blu PLayer and can’t find out the problem, shoot me a line, I’ve read more in the past 3 days about Blu Ray than I would ahve liked to.

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Most of you probably know by now that Amazon.com is having these 24-Hour_only sales.  Yesterday I picked up the complete Stargate Boxset for $99.99.  That is 10 seasons for $100.  I thought it was pretty worth it.

Today is no different: Pick up all 3 seasons of Arrested Development for $29!  Guys, that is $10 a season for one of the best shows on TV.   I’m going to try and keep up on this and post every day with their 24-Hour-Only sales, be sure to check back.