Dec 01 2008
Forced to watch reeeeally bad movies
This is more a rant than anything else. It’s been festering in my mind for, oh, 20 minutes or so. And since it’s in my head, why not put it out there for the world (ie, the hundred or so people who read this blog) to read and feel my collective pain, in word form.
I, sadly, do not write blogs for a living. As much as I would love to say this is a lie I have multiple jobs; one of which is attempting to become a professor in cinema studies. However, my major job at the moment (ie November) requires me to watch movies to make sure the HD TVs are working properly. Seeing as how I work with a group of people, I find it difficult to bring in movies I would normally love to watch, since the movie taste everyone else here is nothing like my own.
So with this in mind, you can imagine the dreck I watch on a normal basis. I’ve watched Hitch, Jumper, Hancock, Apocolypto, Doom, Only the Strong (oddly enough the best of the group), and No Retreat, No Surrender.
When Hancock was brought in about 3 weeks ago, something inside of me stirred. I had read all the reviews and heard the heated hatred toward the convoluted plot but I’m a geek at heart and anything with a super hero kinda gets me interested. Specially one that doesn’t want to be a super hero. So I perked up when the guy slipped the disc into the player.
I was so very, very, very wrong to be even remotely interested. The movie is fucking terrible. And the pure shame of all the horribleness…it could have been an excellent movie. It started off awesome and even had some great parts, but this was a pie where too many fingers have dipped. If it had been a story about a reluctant super hero who ends up doing good, the movie would have worked. If it had been a story about alien love and finding it after years, the movie might have worked. If it had been a story about, I don’t know, bacon, it would have been a good movie… Sadly it was not.
Now, the movie No Retreat No Surrender is going to be written about here in a positive light, but please, be aware, that the movie is painful to watch in almost every respect. It’s like the movie Undefeated kind of bad. If you’re not aware what Undefeated is, here is a small clip:
Now, we are discussing the pure awesomeness of No Retreat No Surrender. While most will remember this bad boy for the introduction of early Jean Claude Van Dam, the beauty truly lies in the dialogue and acting. I don’t suppose the director or writer ever had any intentions of making it to Cannes or even, you know, a VHS. Watch the acting in this amazing clip from the movie. Be sure to watch for key elements like dialogue, cheese factor, Vam Dam-age, and the best “you broke my leg” reaction face of all time.
I highly recommend this movie to watch with a group of friends. I recommend this not because it’s a tremendous film that may change your life, but rather a dynamite hour and a half about a kung fu fan who gets taught by Bruce Lee’s ghost in order to fight an in shape Van Dam. Sadly, this is not available on DVD. SO no Netflix or GreenCine for you. However, on a good note, you can piece together the entire movie on Youtube.
