JUNKFILM

It would seem that this blog is getting more and more readers lately where I am even getting mail due to the site.  I search diligently through the “Would you like a bigger p3n15?” and “Home mortage at low, lol rates” spams until I find one actually from a real person…er…I mean the hundreds of fan letters I get daily, nagging me to answer them back, sign an 8×10 glossy, or help  them on their film queries.   Many letters lately have been something like this:

“Dear Junk.  Please help me.  The girlfriend wants to watch a movie with me but after screening Caligula with her she insists that it’s her turn to pick.  And worst of worst scenerios, she wants to choose a chick flick.  Now the only gleaming light of hope lay in the fact that she wants me to help her pick it out.  Do you, in all your infinite genius, have any suggestions for a chick flick that doesn’t suck?  Yours forever, blah blah blah…”

I don’t want to be a douche and leave this poor guy hanging, so I reply…

“Dear Slave.  I thought the name to be apropriate since you are mine “foverer.”  Rule number 1 when dealing with chick flicks, every movie that rhymes with “itanic” and starts with a “T” fucking sucks and the chooser of said film should be punched in the throat.

“Now, if you have yet to notice, and don’t feel too bad since I still know people like this, women and different than men in almost every aspect.  For a quick guide how on women and men are different:

1. Boobs?  It’s probably a woman.

2. Disheveled persona  and a low brow? It’s probably a man.

3. Likes abysmal movies? Here’s the toss up.

“Because believe it or not, Slave, the genre that women love most (romantic/comedies) and the genre that dudes love most (action) are actually alike in many ways.  Both follow what we in the film critic world call a “formula.”  And from this tried and tested”formula” derives the tripe we see monthly in rental chains and theaters alike.

Your mine forever, your new god, Junk.”

It’s true though, both film genre follow a precise formula that has been working great for tickets sales as well as the idiots who thrive on them.  The girl is wronged or unpopular, finds love, lives happy, something happens to pull them apart, the guy comes through in the end.  They make up and kiss as the screen fades out.  A guy’s life is pretty good, maybe his friend or family is killed or kept hostage, he gets guns and goes on a car chase, shoot out scenes lead to final boss tactics ending with an EMT taking care of him as he limps over to his love or friend on a stretcher about to go off to the hospital, they smile, laugh and credits roll over the scene while the camera dollys out.  Romantic comedies have lines like: “I’ve always loved you.  Ever since I first saw you stealing glances at me in the office.  There is nothing in this world to keep me from loving you.”  You know, besides plot development.  Action movies have lines like: “I’ve always hated you. Ever since I first saw you stealing my family in to the office.  There is nothing in this world to keep me from killing you.”

But, in short, I digress.  Dear Slave, here are some chick flick movies that won’t have you praying to the porcelain god from disgust:

Clueless (1995)
Director: Amy Heckerling
Starring: Alicia Silverstone, Stacey Dash, Paul Rudd, Wallace Shawn
Clever, witty, and really good writing. Not only was a terrible tv show spun off from this that didn’t have half the heart of the film, but so many films tried to copy this film and failed.

Mean Girls (2004)
Director: Mark Waters
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams
One of the few films that is so pink it hurts that works. Again, clever characters, a story that is intriguing and thought provoking and starring a pre-coked-out Lindsey.

The Craft (1996)
Director: Andrew Fleming
Starring: Neve Campbell, Rachel True, Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk.
Witchy bitches. This was one of the first occult films in pop culture I remember seeing and it’s always had a place in conversations. The script is ok since so many damn films tried to clone it.

Out of Sight (1998)
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Starring: George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez, Ving Rhames, Steve Zahn
This movie caught me off guard. The trailer made it look like an action flick but when I watched it it was a romantic entanglement film with one of the 3 films like George Clooney in.

Bound (2004)
Director: The Wachowski Brothers
Starring: Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon
Chick Flick from the boys who brought you the Matrix…and it’s fucking good. Great script, little to no set, maybe 5 characters, excellent script and acting.

love actually(2003)
Director: Richard Curtis
Starring: ALOT (including Qui Gon Jin…this must be before he was a Jedi)
This tear jerker is one of the select few flicks that is 100% chick that still makes me like love. Well crafted, excellent executed and professionally delievered. This film is one of the greats.

Bring It On(2000)
Director: Peyton Reed
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Gabrielle Union, Jesse Bradford
NOTICE I am saying the FIRST one, not the abysmal sequels. This choice has nothing to do with the fact that movie is about teenage girls in short skirts, although if you’re really that shallow: 1, this might be the reason for you to watch this, and 2, what the hell are you doing reading my blog? The movie has an excellent script and very good acting. Why the hell did it spawn 3 sequels that suck like the Star Wars prequels? No clue. But the first is actually very decent.

Well, there you have it, slaves. You may now pick one of the chick flicks the next time you’re at the Hollywood Video and she won’t roll her eyes as much as when you pick up “Bare Breasted Bitch Battle” or “Huge Hank Hits Henchmen.” Enjoy.