JUNKFILM

Why “part 1?”  I believe this is a topic that deserves to be discussed at depth, but this article will be more along the lines of what is going to be coming out, rather than a discussion about the film world of video game adaptations…which I will do next time in part 2.

Here are some films that will be coming out shortly…and most are rather cringe-worthy:

Mortal Kombat (2010) – The screenplay is being written by Sean Catherine Derek (animated shows like Spider-Man, Batman, and The Smurfs).  There is a rumor  that Christopher Lambert will play as Raiden again although no one has been cast yet.  The film is currently in pre-production.

Spy Hunter (2009) – While one of my favorite childhood games, I can’t see how a bird’s eye view of a car dodging oil slicks and shooting other cars is gonna be entertaining for an hour and a half. This was announced with director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, Alien vs. Predator) attached to direct. There have been a cocaphony of writers attached to the film, including: Stuart Beattie (Australia, 30 Days of Night, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End). No casting has been announced but the film is in pre-production.

Tekken (2009) - The movie is currently in post-production. Directed by Dwight H Little (Prison Break, Bones, 24) and written by a few people including Michael Colleary (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Faceoff), this movie will surely be a ginormous piece of shit. The cast is made of mostly unknowns, save Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Heroes, Pearl Harbor) as Heihachi. The window for release may be next summer. Until then, pray it gets shelved.

Driver (2010) – The Atari game made flesh (or celluloid as the case may be), is currently on hold, and we couldn’t thank the studio enough. The film was to be written and directed by Roger Avary who wrote and directed Killing Zoe, wrote Beowulf, Silent Hill and helped out Quentin Tarantino on Reservoir Dogs, True Romance and Pulp Fiction. Sooooo… what you’re telling me is there miiiiiight be hope. Then again, “helped out on” might mean he was a caterer. And who doesn’t want their actions films full of Pigs in a Blanket? That’s best left for porn.

Splinter Cell (2010) – Setting the record straight…I fucking loved Splinter Cell Chaos Theory. A movie might be entertaining, but nothing special… According to Wikipedia, Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights) was attached to direct and J.T. Petty, who wrote the Splinter Cell games, was attached to write, but neither are attached to the film now. Paramount has the rights but nothing is moving forward.

Fear Effect (2008) – Based on the game from Eidos, Uwe Boll (your hero and mine) was originally attached to direct but now it’s Stanley Tong (Rumble i the Bronx, Police Story 3, and The Myth), who is no stranger to action, albeit bad action. Written by Mark A. Altman (House of the Dead movies…..shiver). IMDB claims the movie is in production but alas, there is no cast list. Says to drop 2009.

Halo (2009) – Alex Garland (28 Days Later) wrote a script, it was rewritten by author D.B. Weiss and Josh Olson (A History of Violence). The film is supposed to be executive produced by Peter Jackson with Neill Blomkamp, a short film director, to direct. Blomkamp said the film is dead, Jackson said it’s going to happen.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) – This is currently in production with Jake Gyllenhaal as the whiney prince, not so much the character as the actor. The film is being directed by Mike Newell (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) and written by Jordan Mechner (the original writer of the games). This is already set for release probably summer 2010.

Castlevania (2009) – The plot has been rumored and rumored about being the origin of the hatred between the Belmont crew and Dracula. It’s apparently in pre-production with Sylvain White (Stomp the Yard) as director and Paul W.S. Anderson as the writer. There’s no cast.  And it probably won’t drop in 2009…. and who really wants Simon or Alucard “bringing it and stomping da yard”???

Cold Fear (2008) – Based on the 2005 UbiSoft game, the most that was ever said about this movie is that the rights were acquired by Avatar Films and Sekretagent Productions. No word on a director, writer, cast or even if the movie is still being made.  Seeing as how there is 2 weeks left of the 2008 year, I am doubting this one will turn heads at the last moment on Xmas day theater release.

Warcraft (2009)/World of Warcraft (2011) – There are supposedly two films based on your favorite orcs and undead in the Warcraft universe. The first is simply called Warcraft with a screenplay written by Chris Metzen (scribe of Warcraft (gasp! who’d a thunk?), Diablo and Starcraft. No casting or director has been announced. There is another film in the IMDB database called World of Warcraft, but there’s no information available on that one.  And the WoW one is the film that has been stirring the most rumors.  Let’s hope they get smart and don’t do live action… the animated CG intros from the games are beautiful and if a whole film canb be like that….oooooooo, sign me up for the midnight showing.

Metal Gear Solid (2009) – The Metal Gear Solid movie is being directed by Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium and Ultraviolet). The screenplay will apparently be written by Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima, which he sort of confirmed at the 2008 Spike TV Video Games Awards.  This might not be all that bad, it seems.

Clock Tower (2009) – This film was announced awhile back, based on the popular survival horror game from Capcom. Martin Weisz (The Hills Have Eyes II, 60 Seconds) is slated to direct while Brittany Snow (The Pacifier, Prom Night) is set to star. The film will include elements from all four games but have its own story.  The nemesis in this game seriesis one of the creepiest by far….  Might be a schlock film, but if they get the Scissor Man right, it’ll be cool for that instant he appears.

The Suffering (2009) – This film was announced back in 2005 when the second video game from Midway Games hit store shelves. Three years later, there isn’t a screenplay or director attached. So far, all they have is Chiwetel Ejiofor (American Gangster, Inside Man) cast as the main character, Torque.  Meh….

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009) - This one actually has a fucking date!  February 27, 2009. It’s directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak (Doom, Cradle 2 the Grave, Romeo Must Die) and stars Kristen Kreuk (Lana Lang on Smallville) as Chun Li. If you haven’t heard of this bad boy, you have been living under a rock.  Not many other characters from the fighter series will be cameoing in the film since this is what the director has strictly fobode.

Onimusha (2009) – Last news about this chunk of faux historical mastery by Capcom, the film has been put on hold…indefinitely. Christophe Gans (Silent Hill, Brotherhood of the Wolf) was attached to direct but everything was put on hold because of Heath Ledger’s death.

Kane & Lynch (2009) – The game was recycled fucking junk, and not the good kinda Junk you have come to love, but apparently Hollywood liked the story. Last we heard is Simon Crane (an assistant director on Hancock, Troy) is attached to direct and Bruce Willis was actually in negotiations to play the part as Kane. No other casting info was available. And if Crane worked on those monumental piles of fecal composite, you can bet this travesty is just waiting to happen.

Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars (2010) – Game creator Charles Cecil is trying to bring the Broken Sword series to the silver screen. There are four games and he’s hoping for four films, starting with the first game, The Shadow of the Templars, you instead of starting with the game that hasn’t been made yet. No casting or director has been announced. This one is doubtful.

King of Fighters (2010) – Gordon Chan, who is known for a slew of Hong Kong action films, is directing the film and will star Maggie Q, Sean Faris, Will Yun Lee and Ray Park. The film is currently in production in Canada. The film elitist in me sees this a tripe, but the fighter game nerd in me wants to watch it when no one else is there so I can smile, gleefully.

Joust (2010) – Just when you thought the 80s were finally fucking over… Here comes Joust. Yay. 2 hours of chicken jousting. No director or any casting announcements yet but apparently it’s supposed to be a mix of Gladiator and Mad Max but futuristic….with chickens…..jousting. Midway Games is hoping to restart the game franchise when the movie comes out…..with chicken….jousting.

The Legend of Spyro (2009) – I almost shat myself thinking this was coming out live action…thank god, it’s not. The movie will be an animated film with Elijah Wood reprising his role as Spyro and Gary Oldman as Ignitus. This might be a straight to DVD.

Sabotage 1943 (2009) – Uwe Boll is fucking up once again in every franchise he can buy . Also known as Velvet Assassin, the game is based on a British spy during the time of World War II. And if you’re wondering why you haven’t heard of this game, it’s because it doesn’t even come out until next year. Way to go Uwe, picking up game titles that we don’t know so we can’t complain how bad of a translation it was.

Resident Evil 4 (2010) – In October, Paul W.S. Anderson, writer and producer of the Resident Evil films, said that he will begin working on the fourth Resident Evil film after he’s finished working on the remake film Long Good Friday. Milla Jovovich will more than likely come back. The movie probably has nothing to do with the excellent game. So expect another Apocalypse.

Bioshock (2010) – Scheduled for the summer of 2010. The film will be directed by Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean, The Ring) and written by John Logan (Gladiator, The Aviator) of course with help from game creator Ken Levine. I hope they make reference to System Shock, the Bio Shock part 1 game that in my opinion, was better.

Earthworm Jim (2010) – Creator Douglas TenNapel is looking to bring one of Nintendo’s most iconic super hero invertibre to the big screen. TenNapel is directing and most likely writing the film and since his direction experience is in animation. There was a short lived tv series of Earthworm Jim, I wonder if this will be animated as well.

God of War (2010) – Brett Ratner (destoryer of films, asshole to the industry (ie, Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3)) directing the upcoming God of War film. No other casting news has been announced. I hope Eddie Murphy isn’t Kratos.

Gears of War (2010) – Creator Cliff Bleszinski is executive producing with Len Wiseman (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard) attached to direct and Chris Morgan (Wanted, Cellular) penning the script (FUCK~!) Bleszinki guarantees that he will make “a video game movie that doesn’t suck.” Yeahhhhh, we’ll see that. After Wanted and Die Hard 4, I doubt anything these guys do will be anything more than ball suck-tacular.

Area 51 (2011) – Back in 2004, Paramount Pictures said they were making this video game into a movie. They hired a screenwriter to adapt, Grant Morrison who is an accomplished comic book author, but the film is still in “development.” AKA…. You ain’t gonna see this movie unless Area 51 becomes a huge hit on PS4.