JUNKFILM

Uwe Boll is known for a great many things. Being an artistic director is not one of them. Perhaps Autistic, but not artistic. A couple years ago one could venture over to www.UweBoll.com and read quite possibly the best thing anyone could say to Boll… The page was completely white, no images, no borders, no text except for at the very top left of the screen in normal font, a singular sentence, pleading more than hoping: “Please stop making movies.”

A couple years ago, Boll got pissed at all the negative reviews he was getting from his amazingly fresh films. Don’t get my words mixed up here, poop still smells fresh, just not FaBreeze “fresh.” He challenged the head editor from Ain’t It Cool News to a boxing match to prove who was right. Right about what? That someone has an opinion about your trashy films? That everyone besides people who really enjoy trashy films thinks he is the new Ed Wood, only not cleverly and blissfully terrible; instead of just being terrible. Needless to say, the bloggers were not big sports fans.

Word to the wise… when you hear someone say (paraphrasing here, people) “If you don’t like my art, I’m gonna beat you up. And if I can beat you up, I’m the better person. And if I’m the better person, that means I’m right.” This is that high school bully-asshole mentality that got the artsy kids shoved into lockers. But yeah, yeah…totally, Uwe… You must be right. You know, instead of fighting back by trying to make a good film, just knock out the guy who thinks you’re not that good. Totally makes sense.

“Dear, Uwe, you just beat up a kid whose job it is to criticize and write on a computer. How would you like it if I came to your job and made better art than you? You wouldn’t, would you? I didn’t think so. Wanna go get some Orange Julius?
-Junk”

If you have ever seen any of this films, you will know schlock film making at a glance. And I firmly believe if all you watch is good films, you will never know what terrible film is, and vice versa. A film addict needs a steady diet of both area of the spectrum when it comes to films. Uwe is known for making movie adaptations of video games. Some real tripe has come forth from this man… Here are a list of films you should never watch:
Zombie Massacre (2010) (in production)
Sabotage 1943 (2009) (in production)
The Throwaways (2010) (pre-production) (attached)
Silent Night in Algona (2009) (pre-production) (attached)
The Science of Cool (2009) (pre-production) (attached)
The Storm (2009) (filming)
Stoic (2009)
Far Cry (2008)
Tunnel Rats (2008)
… aka 1968 Tunnel Rats (USA: new title)
BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007) (V)
… aka Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (Germany: DVD title)
Postal (2007)
… aka Postal: Der Film (Germany)
… aka Postal: The Movie (USA: alternative transliteration)
Seed (2007)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
… aka Schwerter des Königs - Dungeon Siege (Germany)
BloodRayne (2005)
Alone in the Dark (2005)
House of the Dead (2003)
… aka House of the Dead (USA: recut version)
… aka House of the dead: Le jeu ne fait que commencer (Canada: French title)
Heart of America (2002)
… aka Home Room (Australia)
Blackwoods (2002)
Sanctimony (2000) (TV)
Das Erste Semester (1997)
… aka The First Semester (International: English title)
Amoklauf (1994)
Barschel - Mord in Genf? (1993)
German Fried Movie (1991) (V)

But in all greatness, an amateur film maker has made a little something something called “uwe Boll’s Contra.” The video is perfectly an example of Uwe’s schlock style…perfectly.