JUNKFILM

In an ongoing look into the elitism of cinema, I present to you the rules I have discovered from numerous sittings of numerous movies.  These are by no means the complete list of rules, but rather a minor list to begin your journey to the dark side of film criticism.  I will be adding more to this list when I can remember to write them down during my diatribes and tirades thrown at my television and local theater screens.

 The Bruckheimer - Brett - Bay Rule

This is done best with 1-2 fellow film elitist.s  When a film comes on the screen, during the title sequence, usually before the movie title appears, “A Such and Such Production” will appear, often blanketing the oncoming onslaught of either good or bad cinema, depending on the name.  When the names “Jerry Bruckheimer” or “Michael Bay”or “Brett Ratner” grace themselves on the screen one elitist will start the rant, and it goes like this:

Elitist 1: “Is Harvey still smoking those cigars?”

Elitist 2: ” Fish for dinner, last night?”

Elitist 3 (or back to 1): “Christ, did a cow shit in here?”

This banter is from the 70s iconic masterpiece, “Kentucky Fried Movie.”  The final line, “Cow Shit,” can also be done alone if you are the only elitist in your group.

An alternative version to this to the play the sniffing game, but this game is for the advanced elitist.  The game begins BEFORE the name appears on the screen, so some research and foreknowledge is crucial.  Before the titles appear, sniff the air as if someone left rancid, hot garbage in the area you are sitting.  With disgust you utter the words, “God lord, what is that smell?”  You keep sniffing, saying, “Smells like…smells like…” And if you have timed your rant correctly, the name of the producer will appear on the screen, and your point has gotten across.

A note:  This technique is not solely kept and used for the 3 Bs, but rather anyone who you deem unworthy of making cinema.

The Kurosawa Clause

Those Star Wars fans can go and eat themselves.  Those pesky western fans can go bite a bullet.  And all those annoying modern day kid movie freaks can fuck a walrus.  The Kurosawa Clause is an age-old testament and probably one of your finest tools in any film argument.

Kurosawa is by far and beyond one of the world’s greatest film directors.  Ever.  His films have not only inspired remakes and generations following to rethink their art, but also Kurosawa helped create film, the way we see it today.

Star Wars can be argued as a remake of Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress, most notably with the Death Star scenes and the characters C3P0 and R2-D2.  Yojimbo, Kurosawa’s classic comedy, was remade into Last Man Standing and Fist Full of Dollars (and for those familiar to comic books, the Marvel Max series “Cage”).  And Roshomon turned into The Outrage and Hoodwinked.

Kurosawa pretty much invented slow motion for dramatic effect.  He invented the idea of multiple flash backs from different sources in film story telling.  The Kurosawa Clause can be used to stiffle, alter, improve or hinder any argument you may be having with another film snob:

Film Snob 1: “George Lucas invented the transition wipe in Star Wars for dramatic story telling.”

Film Snob 2: “Ah, but Kurosawa used the transition wipe for story telling far before.”

Film Snob 3: “Well, Clint Eastwood was the pioneer of the anti hero who is a complete bad ass.”

Film Snob 2: “It would seem that you are mistaken… Toshiro Mifune was the original badass, who played the anti-hero in both Yojimbo and Sanjuro… And if I wanted to be a dick I could mention the Zatoichi meets Yojimbo crossover.  But I won’t.”

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Good luck using these tricks of the trade.  Join us next time for more “So you wanna be a film snob?”

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