JUNKFILM

Since every asshole and his brother’s sister is posting their own Best of 2008, I decided to throw my hat into the ring and try my own “best of.” Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the best movies because they aren’t playing at local theaters so I had to make due with the movies I saw. I will be making a note of the films I really wanted to see and think would be on my list if I had seen them at the bottom.

Now, instead of starting this off on Dec 30th with the best of, why not give you what you are here for anyway, my anger-laced shit-fit rants. Today we will be discussing the worst movies I have seen in the year 2008. Tomorrow will be the best of 2008. Cowboy up!

In no particular order (since I think they fucking sucked so bad they don’t deserve the decency of being labeling in an order.):

Incredible Hulk
Maybe it was because I saw Iron Man first.  Maybe it was because it was total void of any recognizable plot.  Maybe it was because it was simply a terrible fucking movie.  But something about this shit-tacular scene of ….uh…..shit that made me loathe not only the film, but the character even more.  The only thing saving this mound of meaninglessness is the fact of 3 things: 1, Edward Norton, 2, Tim Roth, 3, The CGI effects were much better than Ang Lee’s travesty cartoony look.  And yes, I am sure that every fanboy in the place wet them selves with ejaculate and urine when the words “HULK SMASH” were uttered, but everyone else shook their heads silently and asked for their money back.

The Love Guru
I didn’t want to watch this movie. I didn’t want to enjoy any part of it. One of those was true, and other reason is why it’s on this list. The movie is not funny by any stretch of the imagination. I felt dirty for just having the movie playing in front of me. It’s kinda like walking in on your parents doing it, you think for a second, “Wow, so that’s….DEAR CHRIST!”

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Whew. Didn’t want to watch this one either. But I was swindled into viewing this catastrophe. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, Adam Sandler should be doing more movies like Punch Drunk Love. That is his best film, period. Zohan lacked what every food I eat has….taste. Zohan lacked what Eddie Murphy used to have in the 1980s…humor. Zohan lacked what Water World had…a sinking set in the ocean. I don’t see why people bother making tripe like this. Oh yeah, because people are dumb and don’t want their money.

Leatherheads
What might have been a decent movie falls on it’s face like a child with a huge head. All wobbly and disoriented, stumbling down the street while people hide their smiles in shame and laugh aloud when the child finally trips and slams his delicate, soft skull into the hard, course concrete. While the blood oozes out of the child, the nation’s respect for George Clooney dwindles into nothingness.

Speed Racer
AHHHHH! Colors! YAY! Wheeeeeee! Colors! Annoying Editing! Wheeeeee! Over used shot designs! YAY! Wheeeeee! Colors!

Jumper
I imagine the pitch went something like this:
“Ok, everyone loves comic book movies, right? And…uh… science fiction based in an after school style sitcom world like Gilmore Girls. We give the main guy…”
“Who are we going to get to act?”
“What about Webster?”
“No no, I like Darth Vader, can we get James Earl Jones?”
“We might be able to get Hayden Christiansen, since he bombed in the prequels and no one wants him to ruin their films.”
“Sounds good, go on.”
“Ok, our main guy… uh …. Christiansen can jump through space and reappear anywhere he wants…”
Cool, Porky’s 5, let’s do it!”

Hancock
WHAT THE FUCK WERE PEOPLE THINKING??? Not so much the movie team that made the travesty, but the people who sponsored the atrocity by buying tickets and going to see the movie in the first place. Will Smith is just going further and further down hill in my eyes. 6 Degrees of Separation was amazing! EVERY. MOVIE. SINCE. HAS. SUCKED. Pursuit wasn’t that bad, and the first half of Legend wasn’t complete shit, but Hancock? Good god. And truth be told, it wasn’t Smith’s fault for this bomb. There were too many fingers in this pie. Too many different ideas going on at once. If it was a movie about a reluctant super hero, it might have been ok. If it was a movie about e PR guy transforming a bad super hero, it might have been ok. But it was all this and more… damning itself to Junk Film’s worst of 2008.

Wanted
AAAHHHH!!!! How the fuck did people stomach this filth? Oh, what’s that? People still haven’t read the original book this was slightly based on? How can that be? It’s one of the best graphic novels I have ever read. I putt his baby up on the list with Watchmen and Box Office Poison. The movie follows the first couple minutes of the book’s story then completely forgets what it was talking about like an ADD ridden clown juggling kittens wearing chainsaws… or like Robin Williams. I bet if you haven’t read the book, Wanted seemed like a “neat-o” movie. That’s ok, just do us all a favor… go to any local elementary school during lunch time, go around to each kid and show them your pretty, little puppy with a bow on it’s head, have them all pet him, stand in front of the entire school, lift him high above your head, they will all clap happily, then proceed to shoot yourself in your face with a hollow point .45. Maybe, if you’re lucky, the dog will lick you before peeing on you.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Who the hell thought swinging on a vine like Tarzan was a good idea? And…what’s this? When did Indiana Jones become sci-fi? Oh Ney, ney! It has become apparent that George “I invented air” Lucas finds some perverse jubilation in creating wondrous, beautiful worlds and stories to accompany those worlds, and just when those stories and worlds and characters are most loved he squats over them and last night’s Taco Bell comes a thundering out like a chocolate shot gun! On a side note, this movie was so bad it invented a new terminology for bad movie making: when talking about a tv show that has gone too far the term “jumping the shark” is used, when now refering to a movie that has done the same, “nuking the fridge” is used in reference to the scene where Indiana saves himself from a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator. Whew. That was a close call.

Rambo
There are some things that need to fade away. The Predator series (they were awesome…the first two). Your grandma’s cooking (look, Grandma, no one likes purple cabbage). Lame 80s film series (Stallone, we’re talking to you here, buddy). Ironically, a movie about the first Rambo made it in to the Best Of list. Ah sweet irony, how I love thee. Stallone just can’t understand that making a 4th or 6th in a dead series is a “not so good” idea. Rambo, Rocky, let it die. Funny side note: Stallone was so worried about the piracy issue with his film that he had armed security escort the film reels and data transfers while in post production. Obviously, someone on the staff thought this was overkill and made a straight from the computer copy of the movie and distributed it online for free. Ah, sweet irony, you be my bitch after all.

Hamlet 2
Man, I was so looking forward to this one. The trailer was great. The cast list was great. The writing staff was great. Too bad no one informed any of them about how great they were because this movie stank of Waiting For Guffman from scene 1 to Act 3. Waiting For Guffman, if you haven’t seen it, is probably one of my favorite comedies ever. It’s witty, it’s spunky, and it’s funny as hell. Hamlet 2 tries, repeatedly, to become this incarnation of Christopher Guest’s legacy. It fails…miserably. I hated myself for watching this. Like hated-hated. Not just upset and loathing, but seriously pissed and wouldn’t talk to myself for a few days after the viewing kinda pissed.

OK, OK, OK. So it was the 11 Worst films of the year. I fucking hated Wanted. Gets my blood boiling.

Honorable mentions:
Max Payne
Punisher: War Zone
Deathrace (where was Roger Corman when you needed him most?)
What Happens in Vegas (refused to watch it)
Choke (refused to watch it based on the snippets online that were so poorly made it actually made Chuck Palahniuk look bad…how is that possible?)
and Wanted (again…can’t stress it enough)

Join us tomorrow for the Best Of 2008! See ya!