JUNKFILM

31 March 2009
Al Udied, Qatar
Status: Hurry up and wait.

Hello all, Fcknbob here. Don’t know when I’ll be able to write again, if I do it will probably be sent snail mail to Junk and if he has time to transcribe or scan you may see it. Also being in The Suck, my chances to see new releases are non existent so I’ll be writing on older shit(as soon as we get power/water/tents, yeah we are getting prehistoric) and Junk can squeeze them in when he sees fit.
So I’ve been here for four days and we are waiting on a bird to fly us to the ‘ghany so we can start our shit and get the damn thing done. Anyway here is a lot of time to sit around while we wait and lucky for us they have a theater here. They are able to get “newer” movies for us to watch. Watching a movie in a military setting is an experience in its self. To start with, guess what? no screaming babies! The trade off is a bunch of sweaty fuckers and no previews. Before the movie begins, you stand for the playing of the national anthem while a slideshow of you tube quality plays on screen. You’ve seen it, patriotic image here, snapshots of military stuff going on, some cool shots of shit blowing up during the whole “rockets red glare” portion of the song.
So the movie starts and our boredom is about to be alleviated, we have a chance to escape from our minds, our troubles, our thoughts of home, the fear of the unknown, the need for an alcoholic drink of choice and the near unbearable sexual frustration. So here it comes…

_____________________________________

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

*sigh*

“Dammit!”
If I had anything better to do and it wasn’t blowing sand outside, I’d have walked out right then and there. Don’t watch this movie, I’ll save you the time:
Goofy fatty falls and bumbles around while you see that he is just a good guy. Fatty has the chance to be a hero, slapstick, blah blah blah, Indian stereotype, bad guys, parkuor running about, saves day, gets girl way out of his league, the end. You are pissed. You just watched Home alone again.

“Ok fuckers you burnt me, next movie!”

The Punisher: War Zone

AWWW! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Am I on the Satellite of Love? Will two wisecracking robots sit next to me and talk through this steamer? Holy hell dude. How does this shit get made? Bad Bad Bad. Which sucks because I liked Ray Stevenson in Rome. Guess what? More parkour stunts. Rant time:

Fucking Parkour! What the hell is with this shit?! Call me a hater but these are the guys that on the playground were running around in circles making car noises. Bunch of hyperactive shits. The only thing good about this shit is watching them bust their shit on You Tube.
“SIT STILL AND TAKE YOUR MEDS!”
Rant over.

But yeah, this was crap. The only good thing was that it wasn’t just another origin story. I’m getting kind of sick of watching a movie of a character that has been around for decades and part of pop culture. Standing outside myself, I appreciated that. I also liked Jigsaw’s make up, it wasn’t that spectacular, it just made me think of the Tavlecks in Farscape. Good job Hollywood. You put out another forgettable action movie, so to return the favor, I’ll end with a line that has been probably used by a bunch of other reviewers:
“After watching this pile, the only one punished was me”

That’s it for now boys and girls, here’s my couple of pennies. I’ll try to take up more space on this site as soon as time permits. Till then drink up for thems what can’t.

So, this past week, on Monday to be exact, I think, I watched a lot of
The Office (the American version, not the British version. Although I
have no problem with that version either, it’s just not my cup of tea,
eh?) and that got me in the hankering mood to watch my favorite
character, Dwight (sometimes it’s Jim and sometimes it’s Creed, but
it’s never Michael) in something else. I chose The Rocker. Directed by
some guy, and another guy, produced by a lot of people and starring
Christina Applegate, Rainn Wilson (not sure how to pronounce that. Is
it “rain” or “ray-in” or “ryan”?) and some kids from the Disney or
Nick channel.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, because when you grow to love a
character in one show (for me it’s Jennifer Aniston as Rachel. She
will always be Rachel, and a lot of the roles she chooses are just
Rachels in disguise. That’s why I liked her in that rape movie and in
The Good Girl, because she WASN’T Rachel.) but when you love an actor
for one character they play so well, sometimes they’re ALWAYS that
character and while it’s still entertaining, you begin to wonder if
they have real merit or not. Either way, I watched the whole movie
once alone, and once again with Junk, who, despite what he tells you,
laughed as much as I did.

So here we go - Fish (Rainn-y day Wilson) was dumped out of his band,
Vesuvius (he came up with the name, damn it!) when they get a record
deal and that leads to a boring, flat line of 20 years, where Fish has
hit bottom and while he tries to forget and get over what his band did
to them, he knows he missed out on the light and hates them for it. He
has accepted normality and becomes a pretty straight laced, normal guy
(save for a terrible wardrobe and a short ponytail). Meanwhile, his
nephew (who’s played by a generic fat guy, but very fun) Matt and his
band (A.D.D.) need a new drummer. Matt is the fat guy who can’t get
chicks, but think that him on keyboards is enough to woo at least one
(and he’s right) and Curtis, the lead singer of the band is a broody,
emo good-looking Disney kid with daddy issues, and has a hot mom
(Christina Applegate). The third member is a chick! I know, a girl in
a rock band (although it’s not real rock) is preposterous. But we
(women) are making great strides, apparently, in the fields of music
and movies, so it’s completely plausible.of course, you can tell where
it’s going from here.

Fish joins the band, hilarity ensues, oops - a little bit of drama,
blah, blah, blah. I will conclude by saying this - the script is
disgusting. It’s predictable and so utterly reeking of cliche you
can’t help but feel sick. You can guess what’s coming around the
corner next from a mile away. The dialog isn’t great, but it has it’s
moments. The acting is fun - the girl is spunky (she was in Superbad,
which I did not enjoy the first time like everyone else did. It’s all
right, I’m just saying. Seth Rogan gets on my nerves with his deep
gravely voice that’s a little whiny and not at all confident), the fat
guy is a little desperate, but lovable (most fat actors are.
Apparently, fat and funny is the new skinny and talented) and Rainn
pulls of a decent performance as well, given the material he had to
work with.

So… in conclusion I say this: I love eye make up on men as much as I
love spandex and scarves on my men (which is a lot) and Rainn can pull
it off well. As much as I loved him in the 80’s glam wash-up, I love
him more as Dwight. I feel like, for me, he will always be Dwight. The
whole movie I was missing his mustard colored shirts, his glasses, his
holier-than-thou demeanor and his extensive knowledge of all things
bear and karate. If you enjoy the humor of The Office, this movie will
give you a few laughs but will not satiate that hunger you feel for
off-beat and embarrassingly painful humor. Fact: The writing just
isn’t that good.

But watch it once, for the sake of saying you saw it, and enjoy it.
But don’t plan on enjoying it more than once or twice. Although the
second time I watched it I found so much more to it than the first
time, so many more subtle story lines and ambient symbolism. False. I
did not.

Ritiland

–

There are times when we in the critique field find ourselves watching films that are so bad, they aren’t even worth reviewing.  Now, there are films that are so freaking terrible that we cherish to review evily (ie, everything Michael Bay or Uwe Boll touch), but this is not one of them.

I recieved an email about a month back asking for us to review Mutant Chronicles.  I was intrigued.  Cool title, interesting plot, good cast (John Malchovich and Ron Pearl).  I had to give it a go.  The DVD was sent to us, I threw it in the play expecting a good night of snack-ums and a fun film…  Ah, well, the… uh…. the snacks were good.

The movie was so boring.  The plot was fragmented and nothing even remotely intrigued me to continue with the film.  I was really looking forward to the movie after reading about it, but was crushed and let down.  I really wanted to like it.  I wanted to write a review that glorified this little film unknown at the time I watched it… but I found nothing appealing.  so in short, this super short review will have to do when telling you to stay away from this this tripe.

Our good friend and fellow scribe here one Junk Film will be venturing across the ocean to serve for his country in the war.  We here, and myself personally, would like to wish him and his family the best.  We love you and wish for your hasty return.

Please stay safe!

We have all seen a great deal of movies. In fact, I believe it’s pretty safe to say, we all love movies… at least those of you who read this page. After all, it’s a post site about “Films.” We have all seen those films that use these little tactics to move plot forward easily and cutting down the time used in real life to progress the pacing of the story. I refer of course to those little movie cliches we all take for granted… but they piss me right the fuck off.

This time on “Movie Cliches People Believe are Real” we’re going to talk about technology. Well, a slight look into technology cliches, not all of them.

“Clean Up That Image.”
One of the most horrendous offenders of this is the “Clean up that image” cliche. You know the one… The detective is strung out and finds a stop light photo of the suspect on the sidewalk - way in the back ground - but it’s all blurry. He zooms in on his Neo-Matrix-Photoshop computer and asks the technician behind the controls to “clean up the image…. it’s blurry.” No shit, it’s blurry. It was taken from150 feet away with a shitty camera.  And yes, I know the new cameras they have up are pro enough to see the insurance sticker on your license plates but this isn’t what we are talking about.

When said Detective gets the image print out he wanted the photo is as clean as if it was taken from 10 feet away, in clear day light.  We are able to make out the fine details to the point that we can see how to wash the perp’s shirt in cold water to avoid color bleed.

Let’s take a look at how blowing up an image works:

Here we have a street corner with people walking around. It would seem that our perp is just in sight. I get to the crime lab and tell my trusty co-worker Rickshaw to “Zoom in and clean it up.”

Rickshaw - “Here you go sir.”

Detective - “Oh thank you, Rickshaw.”

Detective - “Hm, yes, good start, now let’s push in more.”

Rickshaw - “Sir, we have a blown up image, what do you think?”

Detective - “I think we can push in more.”

Detective - “ok, stop fucking with me here… Push in more, Rickshaw, more.”

Rickshaw - “Yes sir… but you do understand anything more than this we won’t be able to…”

Detective - “Damnit Rickshaw, a woman’s life is on the line!”

Detective (who is now starting to feel like Will Smith, so we change his name to Will Smith) Will Smith - “There we go, we’re on the right path…”

Rickshaw - “er…..”

Will Smith - “More!”

Will Smith - “We’re so close to finding him out, I can taste it.”

Rickshaw - “You can taste pixalation?”

Will Smith - “We’re almost there, Rickshaw. Hit it again.”

Rickshaw - “Ok, this isn’t helping at all…”

Will Smith - “So damn close…. One more… “

Will Smith - “Aw, hell no!”

______

Join us next time for more Movie Cliches People Think Are Real.

Excuse the opening comment, but…

Holy shit.

It’s been a while since a film has not only intrigued me with deep thoughts that plunge into psychosis, emotional revenge, and religious twists but also entices my gore-hound lust with a beautifully crafted violent array or red mist and eye-covering horror. While I have read a few reviews casting this film aside as nothing but mere torture porn (ie, Hostel, August Underground), but I stand firmly against this and highly believe these fuckwits are simply fast forwarding through the story and just seeing the violent scenes. The deeper meaning is something far more than simply finding revenge or displaying gore for the audience to shock… it’s a vivid telling of morality and what happens after what we already know. In short, Martyrs is the living shit on multiple levels.

The French film came out last year, directed by Pascal Laugier, to film festivals and after seeing the trailer for the first time I was instantly hooked and wanted to see more.

I thought it might be available on DVD, however I was let down to know it was circling festivals (usually meaning the DVD is far off)… but I was lucky enough to score a copy from the review stack at our main office. The movie is a wicked telling of finding one’s self through outward actions and casting your inner light to who you think and who you really are. That might seem confusing, but I don’t want to spoil the story by telling you what the movie is about. I think finding it out along the way was so powerful and compelling that I don’t want to ruin it for anyone else.

The film is unapologetic and relentless… and more than importantly “BALLSY” enough to show what they show.  they never show the gore or terrifying images just to show imagery for the gore hounds in the audience like so many American Horror films frequently do (ie, the Saw series, the Texas Chainsaw remake and everything else that graces the screen), but rather they use the imagery for certain purposes and building certain emotional triggers in the viewer.  When we see the horror we instantly feel weak inside… until you find out why the horror was committed.  Your insides twist and you start to feel for the killer far more.  And when you see the “demon” you get scared… until you see where it came from, then you feel for the “demon.”  It’s beautifully crafted into a mind fuck for the viewer to move from one emotion to another from the very first scene of the film up until the very last shot.  Your emotions flip several times over, constantly keeping you engaged with the story rather than the visual violence.

While Ritilan and I were watching this, she brought up a very valid point: American films find themselves slotted in a very identifying genre for each film that comes out. It’s when good films break these molds we question what genre they fall into. On the other hand it’s seen more often in foreign films that the genre slotting is more blurry and less definable. And I think this may be an arguable reason why people are drawn to films not from their own culture.

I believe this is why people crave good films that stray from the culturally static images of genre specifics and that, my friends is one detrimental reasons that makes all the difference in good story telling and thus… in good film making.

Samuel L Jackson has not only signed on for playing Nick Fury in the upcoming Iron Man 2, but he has signed on to play Fury in 9 more films from Marvel. 9 FILMS? Holy shit. Let’s take a look: Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, and the Avengers. These are the films we know about right now. Where do the other 5 come in? Is Marvel planning on sequeling them selves stupid? They have so far. There also might be a Fantastic Four reboot, similar to Hulk, but at this point, does anyone give a shit?

At San Diego Con last year, Zack Snyder made it publicly known that he “would love to see Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns made into a movie.” Apparently, Miller caught up with Snyder and said “You can do it anytime you want, Zack.” Zack went on to quote:
“I think the thing that’s awesome about Dark Knight, like Watchmen, is that it is a complete and total experience, that was unlike anything anyone has ever seen, and still is,” Snyder said. “I think the big challenge for me would be — it’s so ‘montage-y’ and so media thick, that you just have to — that’s the techniques you’d have to develop and make work. But as far as the rest goes, the thing I’d be really interested in is that kind of Frank [Miller] narration over that cool action, that’s a thing we haven’t really seen in that context.”

After Danny Boyle won his landslide awards at the Academy he showed the world that he isn’t just some tight-assed Hollywood type and… in other notes… won himself back into our hearst here at Junk Film. With some of the money he accrued from Slumdog Millionaire he bought new houses for the child actors in the movie for their families. I can’t critique this… it’s too awesome.

Cool shirt of the day! They retial for $18, and they are so worth it that it hurts.

Edgar Wright’s latest photoblog, we get our first look at Ramona’s fourth “Evil Ex” — Roxanne “Roxy” Richter, from his upcoming film Scott Pilgram. Slash Film reports that, “That’s right, not all of Ramona’s Evil Exes are boys. Richter was Ramona’s college roommate and lesbian fling. Who is the actresses behind Bryan Lee O’Malley’s sketch? It is Mae Whitman, who most of you probably recognize as Ann Veal from Arrested Development.” I can’t stop loving the photos from Wright. They are amazing.

Two films are being stream lined to the front as American remakes from French films: The first is District B 13, and if you’ve seen it, you already love it, so an American remake will only mean disaster. The other is a sequel, as if it fucking needed it, to Taken. GROAN…… Why can’t we leave good enough alone?

Stephan Chow is out for the directing Seth Rogan’s Green Hornet but it would seem Aronofsky isn’t the only director heading a strange title for such a powerful directing force. Michel Gondry might be stepping into the reigns of the Green Hornet as it’s head visionary. How odd? Aronofsky is doing Robocop and now Gondry is rocking the Green Hornet? Hmmm….Could be fucking awesome.

The Dark Knight has finally breached the $1 Billion line for ticket sales. Variety has quoted that the film has made the illustrious $1B mark. Congrats!

The S DARKO trailer has been released. For those not in the know, S Darko is the sequel to Donnie Darko…. having very little if anything to do with the original and not touched by Richard Kelly, the DVD hits stores April 28…. I think I will check it out simply because of the sequel factor and the following of the Sparkle Motion younger sister (you remember… “What’s a Shit Fuck?”). I am guessing it won’t be very good though.

Video Zen of the Day

So, I finally gave in and watched one of the many Oscar films I
haven’t seen. Well, I’ve only seen a few of them… well, three. But
really, who saw “The Reader” and admits to it? I like Kate Winslet as
much as the next chick who loved Titanic and I like younger boys, as
well. I mean, not TOO young, but… well, you know what I mean. But
no, I didn’t watch that movie. Instead, I watched “Doubt.” I was
expecting some dated, boring drama with amazing acting from Meryl
Streep (because I kind of watched the Oscars and she did win an acting
award of some kind, didn’t she? So I knew what to expect from her,
acting-wise.) What I got was… well, much better than I expected.

I grew up in a Catholic family, went to church every Sunday and even
had a few priests that I enjoyed listening to when I wasn’t falling
asleep in the pew. Those things, I tell you, are not very comfortable
unless you lay down on them and then you annoy the people on either
side of you because your feet smell on one end and you’re drooling out
of the other. They should pad them, so you can have a little headrest
and some arm rests would be nice. Like a movie theater. That’d be so
cool!

But anyway, back to Doubt. The acting was absolutely amazing. Meryl
Streep plays an intimidating    Sister Aloysius Beauvier who is a veteran
Sister of the Church. She’s a bit angry, a tad bitter and very
passionate about her faith and the truth. I think she pulled it off
perfectly. Philip Seymour Hoffman is always good as a sexual deviant
and plays Father Brendan Flynn. The first time I saw him he was in
Cold Mountain as a priest who has had sex with his slave (a black
woman) and gotten her pregnant. He plays a small role in Patch Adams,
which is a movie that also has lots of kids in it. And a woman
swimming in spaghetti. And crazy squirrels attacking poor mental
patients. And, strangely, Robin Williams, who for the first time in
his acting career, played someone silly and goofy. Anyway, now Hoffman
is back amongst the children and being accused of something sexually
peverse. And his acting is such that you fall for him - you want to
have a role model like him, a priest like him, a friend like him. He
immediately shows that he’s caring, good at basketball, well-spoken
and takes good care of his fingernails. (Which are a bit long for my
taste, but whatev.) You have doubts that he’s as pure as he claims to
be, but you still really like him. He, along with Streep, look
extremely old in this movie. I know she’s aging a little bit, but
kudos to the make up department. The wrinkles around her mouth and her
gaunt cheeks were the only things I could stare at until about halfway
through the movie.

Another diamond in this film is Amy Adams       who plays Sister James.
She’s naive, innocent and kind of goes with the flow after she
unwillingly sets accusations in motion. She’s lovable and has a nice,
quiet voice. You instantly like her and want to take her under your
wing because she is so willing to believe whatever she is told, no
matter what her gut tells you. She’s an amazing character. And you
know what else? She looks exactly like the woman who is starring in
the movie adaptation of a book that should never need a movie
adaptation - “Confessions of a Shopaholic.” Although their names are
different. I can’t remember the one shopping girl’s name… something
like Elle Fitch? Ingrid Mister? Island Fisher. That’s it. Island
Fisher. Kind of invokes a mental image of an old guy with a stick. A
stick that has a string attached to it. He’s fishing all alone on an
abandoned island. That sounds like the lead up to a Gary Larson
cartoon.

They look exactly the same! Just like that one guy who looks just like
President Obama. I was surfing for stock photos of the newly-elected
President and came across this fellow. Now, of course, I can’t find
the guy. But picture a man who looks exactly like President Obama, and
then… change his name. He’s no longer President Obama… he’s some
other guy. But they look exactly the same. That’s the guy I’m talking
about.

And Morgan Freeman and almost every other aging black man who has
freckles. I know this sounds racist, but I assure it’s not. It started
as just a common mistake made by me assuming that some random actor
who looked just like Morgan Freeman and played in a role I think
Morgan Freeman would jump on, was Morgan Freeman when in fact, he was
not Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, the movie was really good. Doubt, that is. The acting is
phenomenal, the lighting is beautiful, the shot design is effective
and the metaphors and visual analogies are powerful. The whole thing
is well worth a watch. My only complaint is that the movie builds and
builds, and somewhere during the middle it hits you - “Wait. Just
wait. They’re going to do that one thing I hate so much, which is
leaving the end ambiguous. I just know it.” And you know what…
you’ll just have to watch it to see if they do that or not.

Watchmen…Jesus…where do I start?

Just under a year in the waiting since I first saw that first glorious trailer that gave hope to the ever crushing new wave of comics-gone-movies trash, Watchmen was released last Friday and damned if I do, damned if I don’t, I went, sick with Bronchitis and minor Pneumonia, pop in one hand, peanut butter Whoppers in the other, girlfriend at my side, and my eyes peeled back, straining against the burning coughs in my chest to witness the coming of what might have been the greatest comic book adapted film ever made… Thinking of the movie now, I kinda wished I had stayed home and slept off the illness. At least that way the fever-raged dreams might have been exciting.

With Zack Snyder coming into this film, and leaving it, apparently, batting a cinematic 3 for 3 on adaptations/remakes, it’s hard to look at this film without taking a moment to digest his previous two. While Dawn of the Dead was a bloody great remake, and still one of my only allowances to the Damn All Remake Films theory, his follow up was not a remake, but rather a reimaging… done correctly. While Rob Zombie and slack ass excuse for horror director Marcus Nispel (God, I can’t be the only horror movie fan that finds the remake of Texas or The 13th, or that gut wrenching, ticket-refund-wanting Pathfinder) have been quoted as saying “reimagining” so they don’t come off as lazy and uncreative, they have tainted the imagery of the term and thus negating any hopes for anyone in the future to utilize it. Snyder reimagines what 300 would look like off the painted page and in all its slow motion glory.

Was 300 a great film? Not by far. It was flipping fun and made me feel like grabbing my bastard sword from my bathroom, kicking off my Adidas, stripping down to my handy-dandy cock and ball wrap, and donning my towel around my neck to go fight the local snack food shop employees as I stormed out of the theater, but it wasn’t that great of a film… cinematically. There in lies the epic difference between a great film and a fun movie. Dracula? Great film. Blade? Fun movie. Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Great film. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2? Fun movie. Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Great film. Slumdog Millionaire? Fun…but by no means deserving of Best Film.

Phew… Where did I put my notes? I thought I had…Oh crap, a Cheeto… I forgot I had that. Ah, here are my notes… Sorry for the tangent.

Snyder has a great mind to reimagine comic books to screen, however with an epic powerhouse like Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore’s comic book, there might have been some things over looked in the monumental excitement everyone felt to see it on the screen. And yes, I said comic book. Some of you might find yourself perturbed by this and request I use the term “graphic novel”, however, in this case a graphic novel is only a collection of the 12 single comic books forming a Voltron-like appendage called a trade paper back…. OOOOOOO. Step back in awe. OK…OK… That was the last tangent for a while, back to the review. Snyder has a way of bringing the characters to life and yet keeping their striking 2Dness (copyright on “2Dness” pending) intact to craft wonderfully vivid and yet artistically enchanting characters and the worlds they inhabit. This is a gift few directors truly hone. With this in mind, The Watchmen is a kick ass character piece, deep with emotional arches and true humanity. The movie, however……ahhhhhh…

While I truly believe this film is the best version, of all possible versions that might have or might will come out pertaining to this original source material, I still can’t think of a better way to digest this than saying it was a cheap roller coaster with so much fan service it kills any attempt at grabbing at a larger audience. Now, this is normally where I would say, FUCK YEAH!!! Fuck the mainstream audience. Fuck their little minds that can only enjoy senseless violence, steroid-pumped assholes delivering lines from a 5th grader’s note book, big-titted, scantily clad heroines who must hate their parents, and paper thin plots filled with explosions and explosions (for an example, please see the new Fast and Furious TV trailer). I hate how movies do this. They reach out and try to garnish their crap sandwhich for everyone, instead of finding a niche that they want to reach and giving it all to them. This is why Hancock sucked so much grandpa taint. You’re right… this is where I would normally say that… and much, much more, with greater details, and much more taint sucking. But not this time; this time, this movie, was going to do for comic book films what Grease did for the dying art of musicals. Thankfully, Dark Knight and Iron Man are keeping it afloat. Watchmen should have been the great equalizer, the film that shattered boundaries and made you like it, not because it’s a “comic book movie”, but rather because it’s a film with a spectacular story and unbelievably astonishing characters and how they are interweaved into destiny and humanity. While I stand applauding the fact that they spoke only to the comic book fans, I find myself conflicted in hoping that they had tried to grab some people who hadn’t read the book.

The movie plays as an excellent portrayal on how to adapt a book into another medium. With very few difference from the source material, one noticeable note being the space squid (which I for one like the cinematic ending for the silver screen rather than the tentacle swaying bringer of doom…can’t we all love Cthulhu?). But it also shows how adapting a book into a film doesn’t work by adapting it unabridged. Everyone wants to see the Harry Potter movie unabridged. I know it. After every movie I go see in the theater I hear some whiney fuckwit bitching, “Stupid movies, they always cut out everything.” There’s a reason, young fuckwit. While some die-hard fans would love to sit in a theater for 14 hours watching one movie (myself included), no major movie studio is going to pump that much money into one movie because as awesome as you think you are (I know how awesome I am), you and your small sector of fuckwits are not going to buy 700,000 tickets to see the movie 700,00 times each to make up for the cost of that additional 11 ½ hours of footage. I might have my math off by saying 700,000 tickets each. I might be much higher. Anyway, no more digressions.

The movie is a lot of fun for those who have read the comics. There are parts where you know in your head that you can read the dialogue soooooo much faster and would rather it remain that way. There are parts to encourage the mindless dickwits in the audience that they are watching a movie and not a dissertation on character arches. It has enough to keep everyone entertained, but it contains way too much to have anyone other than the hardcore fans enthralled the entire time. It’s like watching a movie on television: Yay, movie, movie, movie….awwwww, commercials, time to go pee…. Peeing… peeing… trying to clean off that stain on the bottom of the bowl with my powerful peeing… back to movie… yay… Movie, movie, movie… aw…. More commercials… where’s my Panda Express?

Oh yeah…And I might be damning myself into Fuckwitville, but Rorschach and The Comedian were FUCKING AWESOME!!!! If I had less of an IQ, I would want a movie with just those two in it.

What did you guys think of it?

Hey guys!  Junk here to inform any of those loyal readers out there what has been happening.  I apologize for not writing much before this, but work has been on an over haul with tons of mandatory hours and in the process, your faithful servant has gotten horribly sick.  In a sickened state mixed with Nyquil enduced highs, I wrote this:

post.534. Sickness and Super heroes

When you get sick, you feel like a super hero with Down Syndrome.  Allow me to extrapolate this idea before I get angry emails…

Right before you get sick you feel this foreboding, a kind of Spider-Sense that things are about to get very bad.  For the not-usually-sick, like myself, this aforementioned foreshadowing of evil cometh might be easily brushed off as mere, “It’s nothing, just a head ache or dust in the air.”  This feeling that something is about to happen is a super hero warning technique, not always specified directly to super heroes but rather kung fu masters of cinema.  Either way, super hero or kung fu lengend, your ass is about to get sick.

When it finally hits you, and you know it hits you like a prison master/slave night swapping event you gain the ultimate powers of heightened senses.  Like Wolverine’s uber smelling, you can smell the most disgusting aromas of splashed vanilla on pulse areas, funkified B.O. tainting the air around you, and that once thought of beautiful Philly Cheesesteak is now a rancid, putrid pile of still tasty meat yet sickening sweet smell of future toilet hurkings.  Your eyes can now see like a vampire, you can see clear in the darkly lit rooms but cringe under and mildly lit illuminary source.  Your brains folds in on itself as you try to strain the piercing lights away from your optic nerves.  AGH!!!  You now know what it is to be a gremlin.

Yes, with all these amazing powers you are ready to fight the wards of evil and thwart any doers of wrong, right?  I have to give you some bad news, rookie…  Now you enter the Down Syndrome side of the Sick Superhero.  You sense the lights above you as their are eating through your hoodie’s cowl attempting to suck out your life force.  You hear every pin drop, making it impossible for any foot soldier of darkness to sneak up on you.  You can smell the air and the wickedness it brings dancing on it.  As you try to stand to fight off these hounds of hell, you fall to your knees and realize, “Fuck, I’ve gone retarded.”

Your body cripples in on itself and you feel like your insides are dying to unfold and dress your outsides with fashionable intestine-toned tunics.  You can hear better, see better, smell better, taste better, but heaven forbid if you can move, think or react any faster than a stuffed penguin keychain.

Congratulations, you are now a full fledged Down Syndrome Doer of Good…or Bed.  Either way, you’re gonna be going to sleep as soon as the medication…kicks….in……fuggggg………

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Now, as of tomorrow, our news, rants, and raves will go back to their normal schedules…. plus, this sick sick boy is going to see Watchmen tonight..horray!  Back later with a report.