JUNKFILM

31 March 2009
Al Udied, Qatar
Status: Hurry up and wait.

Hello all, Fcknbob here. Don’t know when I’ll be able to write again, if I do it will probably be sent snail mail to Junk and if he has time to transcribe or scan you may see it. Also being in The Suck, my chances to see new releases are non existent so I’ll be writing on older shit(as soon as we get power/water/tents, yeah we are getting prehistoric) and Junk can squeeze them in when he sees fit.
So I’ve been here for four days and we are waiting on a bird to fly us to the ‘ghany so we can start our shit and get the damn thing done. Anyway here is a lot of time to sit around while we wait and lucky for us they have a theater here. They are able to get “newer” movies for us to watch. Watching a movie in a military setting is an experience in its self. To start with, guess what? no screaming babies! The trade off is a bunch of sweaty fuckers and no previews. Before the movie begins, you stand for the playing of the national anthem while a slideshow of you tube quality plays on screen. You’ve seen it, patriotic image here, snapshots of military stuff going on, some cool shots of shit blowing up during the whole “rockets red glare” portion of the song.
So the movie starts and our boredom is about to be alleviated, we have a chance to escape from our minds, our troubles, our thoughts of home, the fear of the unknown, the need for an alcoholic drink of choice and the near unbearable sexual frustration. So here it comes…

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Paul Blart: Mall Cop

*sigh*

“Dammit!”
If I had anything better to do and it wasn’t blowing sand outside, I’d have walked out right then and there. Don’t watch this movie, I’ll save you the time:
Goofy fatty falls and bumbles around while you see that he is just a good guy. Fatty has the chance to be a hero, slapstick, blah blah blah, Indian stereotype, bad guys, parkuor running about, saves day, gets girl way out of his league, the end. You are pissed. You just watched Home alone again.

“Ok fuckers you burnt me, next movie!”

The Punisher: War Zone

AWWW! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Am I on the Satellite of Love? Will two wisecracking robots sit next to me and talk through this steamer? Holy hell dude. How does this shit get made? Bad Bad Bad. Which sucks because I liked Ray Stevenson in Rome. Guess what? More parkour stunts. Rant time:

Fucking Parkour! What the hell is with this shit?! Call me a hater but these are the guys that on the playground were running around in circles making car noises. Bunch of hyperactive shits. The only thing good about this shit is watching them bust their shit on You Tube.
“SIT STILL AND TAKE YOUR MEDS!”
Rant over.

But yeah, this was crap. The only good thing was that it wasn’t just another origin story. I’m getting kind of sick of watching a movie of a character that has been around for decades and part of pop culture. Standing outside myself, I appreciated that. I also liked Jigsaw’s make up, it wasn’t that spectacular, it just made me think of the Tavlecks in Farscape. Good job Hollywood. You put out another forgettable action movie, so to return the favor, I’ll end with a line that has been probably used by a bunch of other reviewers:
“After watching this pile, the only one punished was me”

That’s it for now boys and girls, here’s my couple of pennies. I’ll try to take up more space on this site as soon as time permits. Till then drink up for thems what can’t.

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