JUNKFILM

Hollywood is run by f.a.d.s (betcha didn’t know it was an acronym, huh?) and power words.  It’s true.  Look at huge blockbusters, ok?  When one comes out and gets huge bank at the box office you’ll see a bunch of clones just along for the ride.  When disaster movies make the waves, you will see more and more disaster films until they aren’t cool anymore.  When comic book movies swing into action you see a bunch of other comic book films take stage.

Where are we now?  Ladies and gentlemen, I am ashamed to say that we live in the un-original age.  We are in the middle or hopefully at the tale end of the  “Reboot, Remake and Reimage” era.

I hate remakes when they are done poorly, and let’s face it the grand majority of remakes are fucking terrible.  With the select few acceptions of films like Dawn of the Dead and….uh…. man, that’s about it.  Remakes like Lake House, Departed, Insomnia, In the Bedroom, Unfaithful, Man on Fire, My Sassy Girl, Manchurian Candidate, (and I’m just looking at my DVD shelf…) and every other fucking horror flick in the past 5 years, and a shit load of chick flicks are all remakes and it makes me sick.  Yes, everything has been done before, and yes there are only 7 types of stories, but that doesn’t mean you have to remake someone else’s idea and not give hella credit to it.  I fucking hate seeing a movie come out and the blurb reads “Most original film” (ie, see the DVD box art for the American version of Pulse).

HELLO!!!  Red Flag!  How is it original when it’s the same fucking movie as the Japanese Pulse?

Departed gets best director Oscar and it’s a fucking remake!  Hello?  Red Flag!

But the other scary thing in Hollywood now is the Reboot and Reimagine.  This is far more terrifying than the Remake.  Why, you ask?  Let’s take a look in a dramatization.

Director: “I like this movie, but it’s not the way I would have done it.”

Critic: “That’s cool.  Make a fan film and release it online.”

Director: “Nope.  I think I’m gonna use the idea of this and just make it my way.”

Critic: “So, you’re going to steal someone else’s idea, with bought rights or not, change things that made the original what it was and rerelease it with your name all over it?”

Director: “So, you’re saying I should do a toy-tie in?  Excellent idea.”

Coming soon we’ll see The Karate Kid remake being turned into Kung-Fu Kid (produced by JunkFilm’s most hated advisory, Will Smith, and starring the spawn of Smith).  Coming soon we’re going to see the reboot of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

We’ve already seen a reboot of Friday the 13th, a reboot of Halloween, a reboot of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We’re looking at a Fantastic Four and Daredevil reboot as well as a Tomb Raider reboot.  Where will it all end?

Thank god we still have indie films to keep our minds reeling and our souls engaged.  Now, if only we could influence the big studios to realize that their movies are tripe and to give some more budgets to smaller films with real heart.

Keep your eyes out for more reboots and reimagines and try as hard as you can to stay away from them.