An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma’ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where ‘hood’ was capitalized ’cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the ‘grapevine’ that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn’t miscount. That’s four — FOUR! — zeroes after that one. That’s to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here’s what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don’t ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture — and my pretend play — as any I can think of. It’s far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator… of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far… back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? “Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!” RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he’s a cyborg and he doesn’t give a s#&% about the ring — it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he’s doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There’s a reason they’re called “Summer” movies.

3) Can you say… musical? Well don’t. Even I know that’s an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale’s John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there’s a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar — and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There’s more — this brain don’t quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) — but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I’d like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including “Song of Norway” (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Now that your day is thoroughly ruined, here are three movie movie icons that have been brought back.

Is it me, or do you just get bored half way through?

August Underground - 2001 and Mordum - 2003

The plot for the movie is pretty easy to follow: Two serial killers go on a murdering rampage as one films the outcome from behind a video camera. One of the most realistically portrayed simulated snuff films.

I had read about this movie on some forums online claiming it was the “most disgusting movie ever made” and simply had to check it out. 9 times out of 10 when an accusation like that is made the movie turns out to be fucking dull and weak. This time, I found myself not being able to watch the entire movie in one sitting. There is some pretty nasty stuff here. Not to mention the over the top sequel, Mordum. Yes, these movies have their faults. Yes, you can hear the blood capsule breaking when they slit throats, but step back, take a look at it from an outside film-fan view and you will see something truly memorable.

When the first film was released it was released on VHS tapes and DVDs with out labels or names. The movie itself has no credits, just movie. It looks precisely like it was taken out of a camera and just handed to you. No editing outside of incamera cutting. It looks real. So real in fact it made its way into the hands of the FBI. And wouldn’t ya know it, they came a knocking on the film makers doors and told them that they had to prove the people in the movie were still alive. This is when it was released on DVD with the wicked special features and documentaries. I own my proud signed-by-the-entire-cast “Snuff edition” copy and it is displayed in my living room now. You will never forget that amazing hammer to the head scene.

If you can find it, I suggest only the hardcore of the hardcore horror fans watching it. It’s gore-ific.

Murder Party - 2007

While the poster leaves something to be desired, it speaks volumes for the aesthetics of the film.

“It’s the breakfast club with chainsaws and hard drugs.”
—Jeremy Saulnier

Christopher, a lonely and plain man, finds an invitation to a Halloween costume party on the street. He attends the party to discover it is actually a trap set by a group of deranged art students. They intend to commit a murder as a piece of artwork to impress their wealthy and sinister patron, who arrives late to the Murder Party and is searching for students to award grant money to. Drugs and alcohol fuel the group as the situation spirals out of their control and Christopher tries to make it home from the Murder Party alive.

While it looks corny because it’s shot on video and the acting will probably turn most people away, the movie really isn’t half bad. I was highly entertained to be sure. It’s creative, thought provoking and most of all, down right fun. At least you can be the talk of the water cooler with a movie that doesn’t involve a hockey mask, bladed glove or a William Shater-painted white mask this November 2nd like all the other pleebs.

Fun Fact:

Christopher Sharp was cast in the lead role not knowing if he could act, so Saulnier figured it would be easier to have his character gagged through the entire film.

Halloween - 1978

The night HE came home. While many think that this was the first slasher film, they are partially right. It wasn’t the first slasher, but it was the first that made the slasher genre big business by becoming a box office and cult smash hit. John Carpenter and his Casio keyboard’s 3-note music score made the epic horror film in Halloween and creating the legend of Michael Myers.

This was to be the first of the series of movies in the Halloween series and still the best one (which is how it usually is in the series films). While Nightmare got cornier and sillier, and 13th got farther and farther from the point, Halloween just became fucking confusing. I liked how they brought in the idea of a cult called the Thorn later in the series, but it just was never developed enough.

But yeah, nothing beats an intro where a kids dons a clown mask and stabs his family and we see it all through his eyes.

WARNING - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WATCH THE REMAKES. They will rot your brain.

Fun Fact:
The stalker/slasher was never referred to as Michael Myers in the credits, it was merely named The Shape.

When Halloween was released on television there was a lot of the movie cut out due to the graphic nature. Carpenter shot additional footage and found deleted scenes to add more story for the TV version. This cut is actually pretty decent and one that all Halloween fans cherish in their collection.

There is a copy floating around of a producer’s cut of Halloween 6- Curse of Michael Myers, called Halloween 666. It adds almost 30-40 minutes of additional footage that makes the film understandable and much more watchable than the theatrical version.

May - 2002

Now, truth be told, the trailer didn’t really do anything for me when I first saw this movie. The fact that I had a huge crush on Anna Faris was enough for me to pick up the DVD. And when watching the movie, my crush only amplified because she plays a sex fiend in the role and that was more than enough for this pervert.

However… it wasn’t Faris that carried the film. The titled character, May, was the driving force behind the intrigue to continue watching the ongoing macabre. The plot revolves around an awkward, lonely young woman named May Dove Kennedy (Bettis). She had a troubled childhood due to her lazy eye which caused her to feel abnormal and out of place. May’s mother takes her to an eye doctor, who suggests that May wear an eye patch to correct her vision. Unfortunately, this only encourages the other children to make fun of her, most notably on their first day of school, when one of her fellow students asks her if she is a pirate. She has very few social interactions with people throughout her life with her only “true friend” being a glass-encased doll named Suzy made by her mother and given to May for her birthday. After presenting her with the gift, her mother tells her, “If you can’t find a friend, make one.”

The story continues with her as an adult and…for lack of better writing, makes new friends. Strange, compelling, and twisted as hell, May brings out the artist in all of us… or perhaps the art itself.

Audition - 1999

As the film starts up you start to ask yourself why you keep watching it since it doesn’t really seem to be going anywh… CRACK!! Ok… now you’re interested. What the fuck was that thing in the bag? Oh god! Who is she? Oh fuck….

The 1999 Japanese film by Takashi Miike (the super god of modern J-horror) is a film about a windower who has lost his wife 7 years prior to illness and prompted by his teenage son to start dating again and egged on by his film producer best friend, Aoyama decided to have an audition for a new wife. Little does he know the girl of his dreams (sigh…I’m sorry for this next statement but it fits so right and it’s so fucking corny I gag writing it) just might be something of his nightmares.

Kee ree ree ree ree ree ree.

Dead Alive (Brain Dead) - 1992

Early Peter Jackson movie, way before he danced with the Rings that bind them. And in my opinion, and as much as I love the Lord of the Rings movies (and dying for the release date of the Blu Rays) I love his early work so much more. Dead Alive is a comedy/horror and forever was dubbed the goriest film ever made. I guess walking through a crowded living room of people with a lawnmower facing them can do that.

After being bit by a Rat Monkey, the main character’s mom starts to deteriorate into a walking dead state. She becomes hungry for flesh. And bites people. Oh let the madness begin!!

One of the best lines in any movie ever:

Fun Fact:
The film was released in a number of different versions.

* In some nations, such as Australia and the United Kingdom, the 104 minute film was shown in full.
* In countries where the censors balked at the extreme gore, the film was initially banned or left unrated before being heavily cut. In Germany a 94 minute version was seen with major cuts to some of the film’s grislier scenes, but was widely ignored. A FSK 16 rated version was released in Germany under the American title “Dead Alive”, omitting almost the entirety of the violence. The uncut version is banned in Germany, though it is still widely available, also under the American title “Dead Alive”.
* In the United States, where the film was released as Dead Alive (because of another film with rights to the title Braindead), the R-Rated version is only 85 minutes, while the unrated cut is 97 minutes. Worth noting is that the 97 minute version is Peter Jackson’s preferred version, as he was given the opportunity to “apply some additional spit and polish” to it.